daydream believer

Reminders.

2012-01-12T16:47:00.000-08:00

I have a fancy iPhone.
One of the many perks of said phone is that I can set ANY picture I so desire as my background. So, every time I check the time, the phone rings, I get a text message, someone comments on something on one of my many Social Networking pages, I see this picture. It's safe to say that I see this picture rather frequently. I would say, on average, over 100 times a day. Now, you may be wondering why I'm sharing this seemingly unimportant information with you... the reason is this: Every time I see this picture, it reminds me to pray. You see, the picture I have as my background is frequently different, but always has one thing in common: children. It's not always the same children, but there is always a child of some shape or size in that picture. It reminds me to pray. To pray for the children in my life. The ones I know well, the ones I know not so well, the ones I see on Sundays, the ones I see on other days of the week. It reminds me to pray for their identity, to pray for their hearts, to pray for their innocence, to pray for their futures, to pray for their relationships with God. It reminds me that I have an incredible opportunity to shape a generation for a life with God. It reminds me that my time with them is precious, and that I should pray often for them.

Sof's face is the current face on my background. She's my reminder. I see her sweet face, and I'm reminded to pray.

2011 love

2012-01-11T15:09:00.000-08:00

I'm really excited about this post.
My first post in 2012.
I love new beginnings.
Birthdays, New Years, the start of seasons.
There's something so beautiful about new beginnings.
A few days before January 1, 2012, I found a fresh, clean piece of paper, and settled into a table at Starbucks with a steaming cup of coffee, and began to make my "list".
I'm a list-making fool.
I love a good list.
This list was special to me. It wasn't a "to-do" list, it wasn't a work list, it wasn't a grocery list... it was my list for 2012.
All of the things I plan on doing in this new, special, lovely year.
The day before, we had our weekly staff meeting, and Dan shared some great insight. He talked about reflecting on the past year. Writing down some of our accomplishments, some of the things we'd watched God do in our lives, some of the significant moments of 2011. Then he talked about making NEW goals for this next year. And about being thoughtful with our lists. Really searching our hearts for the things we wanted to do with this next year. Immediately my mind started racing.
"What do I want to do? What do I want to see God do? What are some goals? Some resolutions?" I couldn't wait to get a quiet moment, and begin making my list.

So, when I sat down, I fully intended on making a wonderful, long, thoughtful list. Instead, I began looking back at the past year. The things God had done. The ways I had changed. The challenges I had overcome. The many accomplishments of the past year.

Last year I:
-Turned 27
-Ran my second 1/2 marathon
-Helped move an entire church into a brand new building (kind of a big deal)
-Helped outfit and equip 5 brand new classrooms in our brand new building (kind of another big deal)
-Figured out a brand new check-in system and trained people on this system
-Walked through an incredibly difficult, painful and healing season
-Lead two life groups
-Saw 4 amazing bands in concert
-Celebrated the birth of DOZENS of new, wonderful, amazing babies

The list could continue. But here's my point: Before we get so wrapped up in the promise of the new year, we should take a minute and celebrate. This is a HUGE theme in my life: Celebrate. Take a minute, thank God for where we are, for what we've come through, for the ways he's changed our lives, the lives of our family, the lives of the ones we love. Take a minute and remember and reflect on the past year. So many times I hear people say "I just can't believe it's 2012 already! Where did 2011 go??" My answer? I know EXACTLY where 2011 went! I lead a full, busy, excellent year. It was a challenging, stretching, amazing year of growth. I'm so thankful for past year. I'm in an amazing place, with an amazing job, living an amazing life, serving an amazing God, with so much love and joy. That's something to celebrate.
Where did your year go? What are the things you're celebrating and reflecting on?

Maybe the next post will be my goals for 2012, but this one is dedicated to 2011 :) Happy New Year.

Day 23: Sofia

2011-11-23T10:56:00.001-08:00

Today, I'm thankful for this little girl. Every once in a while, a person comes along who absolutely steals your heart. Sofia is that person. Although she may only be 4 years old, she has stolen my heart. She has more personality and sass than most adults I know. Words don't do my love for her any justice. I'm so thankful I get to see her grow up, and see the woman of God she becomes. I'm so thankful that I get to be part of that process. Her story is already so beautiful... I find myself fighting back tears when I think of my great love and thankfulness for this little one. Just the other night, while I was tucking her in and praying for her, Sof takes my head in her sweet little hands and tells me "Emmy, you my BEST friend..." I've never known such great love.

Day 21

2011-11-21T15:32:00.001-08:00

I knew the day would come where I would stand in front of the Stirring family and share my story. People have heard bits and pieces of it on my blog, and through conversation, but it's quite a different thing to stand before hundreds of people, and share such a vulnerable and personal part of my life. Today, I'm thankful for the strength and courage that God gave me. We're all real people, with real struggles and real hardships. I just happened to have the opportunity to share mine. And to share the way that God restored every part of my broken story. Nate said something at all three of the gatherings after I shared, he said that nobody would every fully understand the battle it took for me to get to this place. I can't tell you how true that is. I struggled to find the perfect words to share with everyone exactly what it is that God's done in my life, but the truth is no one will every totally understand. I just know that our stories need to be shared. Even if we're not sure WHY we're sharing them. There's such power in our stories. They give hope. And they remind people that God WILL show up, he WILL fulfill his promises to us. Words will never satisfy the work of God in our lives. It's something we have to experience. But there's really something to allowing God to USE our words to bring hope to others. Most will probably never fully understand battle and the strength and courage that's gone into the past year and a half for me, but hopefully my words can fuel another person's battle and strength and courage.

Day 15

2011-11-15T15:10:00.001-08:00

I have the greatest job in the world.
It's true. I work with the most fantastic group of people you could ever meet. They are so much more than just co-workers to me. They are my family. My peeps :)
Today, I am thankful for the people I work with. Each person is so incredibly different, but so necessary to our staff. Our family.
The Ladies:
I'm thankful for Meg's sense of humor and her ability to understand me- even when I'm not making sense. I'm thankful for our inside jokes, and our shared brain :)
I'm thankful for Amy's heart, and for her playful personality. I'm thankful for the way she knows how to cheer anybody up at just the right minute. And how she never overlooks one single detail.
I'm thankful for Jenna's passion and wisdom. I feel like I could come to Jenna with any trouble or concern, and she would help me make sense of it.
I'm thankful for Jess's joy and selflessness. She would drop anything she's doing to help someone else out. That's a very rare characteristic!

I am extremely blessed to work with people who I not only LIKE, but who I love. They are my family. They mean more to me than they'll ever know. I wonder how different this world would be if everyone got to work with their best friends....

Don't worry, I'll fill you in on how thankful I am for the guys within the next few days :)

Gratitude Challenge: Day 14

2011-11-14T00:28:00.001-08:00

I fell off the face of the blogging earth. I apologize. Things got REALLY crazy. My car got broken into. My purse was stolen. I got sick. The Rooster Party happened... some great things, some horrible things. All within a week. But I'm still thankful. I'm thankful for the incredibly kind and generous community I am part of. While it's a HUGE bummer that my car got jacked and my stuff got stolen, I'm really thankful that the people I'm around are so encouraging and willing to help in any way possible.

So here's to NOT falling off the face of the blogging earth any more. And to figuring out all of my car issues.... what a process.

What are YOU thankful for?

Gratitude Challenge: Day 8

2011-11-08T13:21:00.000-08:00

Yes. I'm a bit behind. Life got busy this weekend :)
HOWEVER, I've got a BIG day of thanks today.
Some days are little, baby things I'm thankful for. Like, for the sunshine, or my delicious Dutch Bros., or a smile from a stranger.
Not today.
Today I'm thankful for something big. Real big.
Today I'm thankful for the HOPE my life screams.
There is so much despair that fills our world. Kids dealing with way more than kids should be dealing with. Suicide and self mutilation and depression. It's everywhere.
My life could have looked like that. There was a point when I was at a crossroads. I could have picked the life of self-destruction. The life that would have surly lead to death. It would have been easy to pick that path. But God had different plans for me. Instead of that path full of despair, God placed strategic people in my life who would walk with me on the path of healing and recovery and restoration. So that my life could shout hope to others.
My story is a hard one. But God is using my story. And He has given me a NEW song to sing with my story. I get to tell people that, with God's help and love and redemption, health and freedom are possible. It doesn't matter what you're going through. It doesn't matter what choices you've made. It doesn't matter what path you've decided to walk down. God can restore it. He wants to. He wants to set your feet on a new path. It's true. And that's the hope I get to scream, shout, gently whisper with my own wounded story. And that's what I'm thankful for today. And every day, really.

"He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along. He has given me a new song to sing, a hymn of praise to our God. Many will see what he has done and be amazed. They will put their trust in the Lord."

GC: Day 4

2011-11-04T20:21:00.000-07:00

If you're reading my blog for the first time, read more about this Gratitude Challenge here.

Gratitude Challenge: Day 4
Today, I'm thankful for lunch with friends. Who love you. And encourage you. You make you REALLY cute cards that are super funny and make you laugh, even when all you feel like doing is crying.
This season isn't exactly what I had hoped for. It's confusing and frustrating. I've been having a hard time with things. With this season. But then days like today come, where you realize you aren't alone in it. That you have friends who are RIGHT there with you, who love you and understand you. I'm so thankful for those relationships. I understand that I'm right where I need to be, and even though it's not where I'd LIKE to be, I'm so glad I have friends right there with me. Wonderful, funny, witty, amazing friends.

Gratitude Challenge: Day 3

2011-11-03T15:43:00.000-07:00

Today is Thursday.
I love Thursdays.
On Thursdays, I get to eat dinner with the Lance family, and then watch the kiddies for a few hours.
That is what I'm thankful for on day 3 of the Gratitude Challenge: Spending my Thursdays with the Lances.
It seriously could be the highlight of my entire week.
Those kids fill my heart up, no matter the situation.
I'm so thankful to be part of this family.
They love me just as much as I love them.
And I love them a WHOLE LOT :)

Gratitude Challenge: Day 2

2011-11-02T14:50:00.000-07:00

Is it okay with everyone if I abbreviate? GC? We cool with that? Okay, GC day 2:
I'm so thankful for this season of life. I know, pretty broad, pretty vague, but it's the truth! (I'll be sure to go into more detail as this challenge goes on.) I'm so thankful for the crazy, busy, wild season I'm in right now. Every evening of my week is packed with incredible events. Single Life Workshop, Immerse/Jr. High/Catalyst, Life Group, spending evenings with my Lance family. I wouldn't trade this season for anything. I love what God is doing in and through me in Single Life, and at Life Group. I feel like so many hard areas are being exposed, and God is bringing healing to them in new and powerful ways. I love that I'm finally embracing the season of singleness that I'm in. For so long, I just wanted it to be OVER. I wanted to find a husband, fall in love and get married. But I'm learning to embrace EVERY season, even the ones you want to end so badly. I'm learning new things about myself, and about how to be the best version of me possible. I'm so thankful for where I'm at, and what is happening in my life. It's a busy season, but it's a GOOD season.

What are you thankful for?

Gratitude Challenge: Day 1

2011-11-02T07:54:00.000-07:00

The Gratitude Challenge is something I did last year that changed me forever. For the entire month of November, I will blog daily about one or more things I'm thankful for. The idea behind this is to realize there sure is a ton out there to be thankful for, and we can celebrate those things on any day, not just Thanksgiving. This challenge really blew my mind last year. It came at a time when things were really rough. I was in a difficult season, and through my gratitude, and realize how much I have to be thankful for, it gave me perspective. And perspective is good :)
So, I was supposed to write this yesterday, but my day was PACKED, so here you have Day 1 of the Gratitude Challenge 2011:
Today, I am thankful for:
-The sweet words of children. They have a way of reminding you that what you're doing IS making a difference.
-New friends and their stories. I love hearing other people's stories. It gives you a glimpse into their heart.
-My quiet mornings alone in my house. Just me, Jesus, my oatmeal and my French Press. I savor these mornings.

What are you thankful for today?

Nothing is lost

2011-10-25T16:15:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a great day.
Loads of little feet running up and down the Stirring Kids hallway.
Hundreds of spunky kids ready for their morning. All full of energy and hope and potential.
I love Sundays.
I love saying hello to every one of those faces. Most of them return my hello with a wave or a shout or a high-five or a toothy grin.
These kids are what I live for. To show them the love the God has for them. To show them who they are in His eyes. To pour passion and love and dreams into their sweet, dear little minds.
Dan spoke on Sunday.
He always wrecks me. God pierces my heart through his words. Every time.
Something that Dan said this past Sunday truly challenged me. He said that not a single part of our story is wasted. Even the toughest times. Nothing is lost. God uses it all.
My first thought after hearing these words: Do I really believe this? Do I truly believe that EVERY part of my story, even the most painful, heartbreaking, agonizing parts, are used by God?
And as I looked back at my journey and the things I've overcome through the years, I would have to say yes. I believe that God was with me in EVERY part. That He will use everything. That my life shouts hope to those who are unsure. That the freedom I've found also comes with authority to speak that freedom over others. God never wanted me to suffer. He never wanted me to endure the hardships I have, BUT He will redeem it and use it and restore it. I want my life, my story, my journey to shout hope to others. I know that there is a reason for every season I've gone through. I know that God uses everything. That nothing is lost.

"You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Psalm 139:16

Tattoo

2011-09-27T20:22:00.000-07:00

I got a new tattoo.
It's a beautiful anchor with waves
There's a banner at the bottom that reads Deuteronomy 31:8
The colors are vibrant
The artwork is breathtaking
The meaning behind it is even better
The last year of my life has been a crazy-hard season
So much pain, so much refinement, so much breakthrough
During this year, the Lord would faithfully speak Deuteronomy 31:8 to me. I would cry out to him, and he would answer me with this verse... "Do not be afraid, do not be discouraged. The Lord himself goes before you. He will never leave you nor forsake you."
Without fail, God would respond to my cries with these words. And not as a reminder. Not telling me, REMEMBER Emily, I haven't left you. I won't forsake you.
But instead, as a promise. A promise for the days to come. Because He knew I needed to push forward, not look behind me. He was telling me that I could make it, that he wouldn't ever leave me. He was making a promise to me, just as Moses was making a promise to Joshua.
The meaning behind the anchor is simple; anchors symbolize hope. This verse was my source of hope in the darkest days. My hope that God was still with me, that I didn't need to be afraid.
Also, a wise man tells me often that I am an anchor to those around me. And his words carry a lot of weight in my life.
My tattoo is beautiful, yes. It is an AMAZING work of art. But it has so much meaning to me. I look at it, and my eyes fill with tears. God brought me through those painful, dark days just as he promised. And he never once left my side.
I am every so thankful for my great God who fulfills his promises.

Thankful Thursday

2011-09-08T16:43:00.000-07:00

I'm bringing back Thankful Thursday.
One day during the busy week to pause, reflect, and give thanks. Sounds like perfection to me.
Today, I know exactly what I'm thankful for.
Today is an easy one.
I was uploading pictures to my computer from my phone. I hadn't done this in a WHILE, so there were a lot. As I began to scroll through them, I found myself in tears. In this collection of random pictures (many, okay MOSTLY of children) I kept running across pictures of the Stirring building in various stages of the process. A picture of the Kids hallway before the ceiling was up and the counter top was installed. A shot of one of my Stirring Kids girls painting the girl's bathroom. Another one of a crew putting together a bazillion IKEA cabinets. A picture of our move-out day from the Eureka Way campus where Sean is sprawled out in the Storage Room (who knew there was actually carpet in that room?! I sure didn't!). A picture of each classroom on our last Sunday at that campus. A great shot of the classrooms prior to opening Sunday in the new building. Then there is picture after picture of the kids flooding the hallway of the Kids wing.
Chills.
I am so thankful for the process. For the road. For the journey.
I remember the hard work of setting up and tearing down Sunday after Sunday at the Eureka Way campus. I remember transforming ordinary classrooms into extraordinary places for kids to encounter God. I remember how difficult it was trying to prepare and organize the new space and make sense of ACTUALLY having our "own house." It was hard to go from living out of a suitcase (so to speak) to actually having a closet... The endless hours of cleaning and sorting and organizing and building and answering questions and building teams. It was a tireless couple of weeks.
But then I also remember the look of awe and excitement in the eyes of the kids as they came busting into the Stirring Kids hallway. I remember overhearing parents telling each other of how their kids were up HOURS early, getting ready to come to the NEW Church. I remember the wonder on the faces of those kids as they saw their classrooms for the very first time.
I wouldn't change the process for anything. Without the sacrifice and the hard work, the reward wouldn't be nearly as beautiful.
Don't forget to be thankful for the process. Even if it's hard and difficult and tiresome. Don't forget to be thankful for the process. (Here are all of the pictures... well, not ALL of them, but some of my FAVES.... enjoy!!!)

When I don't understand...

2011-09-07T15:09:00.000-07:00

I've been listening to the new album lately. It's a couple that were signed to the Jesus Culture label, and let me tell you, their music is incredible. One song in particular really speaks to me. At one point in this song, the lyrics are so simple but extremely profound to me: "When I don't understand, I will choose you..."
That's it.
That's all she says.
Over and over.
And each time I hear this song, I am in tears.
When I don't understand, do I choose to believe? Or do I choose to control?
That's been my prayer, to choose God, even when I don't understand.
Because there are SO many things in my life that I don't understand.
Why am I still single? At the age of 26. Why haven't I fallen in love, and started a family? It's one of the greatest desires of my heart. So why hasn't it happened yet?
Why is my past peppered with such pain and heart break and destruction and trauma and tragedy?
Why do I still struggle with things God has given me freedom from?
Will I ALWAYS struggle?
And the list goes on... there are so many things I don't understand. But I want to be known as a woman who trusts God, and chooses him when I don't understand. I want to be known for celebrating in the times when I don't understand. I want to choose God and choose celebration, even when things don't make a ton of sense to me.
So, instead of trying to control the things in my life that don't make sense or that I don't understand, I am choosing God. Trusting that his way is better than mine. That his plan is greater than mine. That he is good, ALL of the time. That there isn't one single detail he has overlooked. Psalm 139 is one of my very favorites. It always remind me and center me. Verse 16 is one that I love, and that makes a lot of sense to me right now... "You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed." Not just the easy moments. Every moment. And so, even in the moments that I don't totally get it, and I don't totally understand, I will choose God.

My "Yes"

2011-08-23T12:58:00.001-07:00

For me it was easy; choose a life with God that may be uncomfortable and scary and unpredictable and incredibly painful at times OR choose the life I was living. One of destruction and abuse and addiction.
For me it was easy. I said yes to God in a moment. In a room full of women, women who I didn't know, I said yes to God, a God I didn't know either. I began to confess the sin I had been living in for years, that NO ONE knew about. I wasn't exactly sure why I was telling these strangers my deepest, darkest, most protected and guarded secrets, but I knew I could trust them.

When I look back on this moment, I recognize that it was my first TRUE encounter with God. He was there in that living room, pushing me toward His heart, urging me to be vulnerable and honest and real with these women who He wanted to use in my life.
From that moment, when I said yes to God, I haven't looked back. Sure, there have been moments when I have wondered if life would be "easier" living in the shadows and the darkness again. But then I remember all of the celebration-worthy things in my life. And those thoughts vanish.
My "yes" to God was an easy one, but it hasn't always pretty and tidy and perfect. In fact, it's been just the opposite. It's been messy and incredibly hard. God doesn't just want part of us, he wants all of us. He wants the most secret, protected, scary parts of us. In the past year I've walked through some insane stuff. And it's been agonizing and heartbreaking, but in the midst of the pain God has brought healing and freedom and redemption. These are the celebration-worth things I cling to. I know that, as I continue to say yes to God, he will continue to refine me and make me more like Him. It's probably the hardest thing I'll ever go through, but it's an easy yes for me. And I say yes everyday to him. I'm reading this book, and found this quote. It spoke so perfectly to my life and my season. I wanted to share it:
"As Christians we know, in theory at least, that in the life of a child of God there are no second causes, that even the most unjust and cruel things, as well as all seemingly pointless and undeserving sufferings, have been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, his own lovely character."

My secret...

2011-08-18T13:40:00.000-07:00

I have this jar on my desk.
It's my Celebration jar.
It holds about 40 strips of paper.
On those strips of paper are my favorite verses, quotes, words of encouragement... things that help me. Things that remind me to Celebrate.
When I'm having a hard day, I reach my had in that jar and pull out a strip of paper.
When things are kind of sucky, I pull out a strip of paper.
When I need a good laugh (there MAY be a Chuck Norris joke or two in there), I grab a strip of that paper.
Pretty much, every day my hand is in that jar.
Usually, the words that I read are exactly what I needed to hear. So I tend to share them with the world (via Twitter/Facebook... guilty).
In the past few days, people have responded to my posts, telling me the words I've been sharing are EXACTLY the words they needed. My big secret is this- those words are exactly the words I needed, too. God has a great way of giving me exactly the words I need to hear.
I'm convinced EVERYONE needs a Celebration Jar on their desk/counter-top/bed-side table. It's easy: Find a jar, fill it with your favorite verses (and a joke or two), reach your hand in when you need to celebrate.
That's my secret :)

Kids: My love.

2011-08-09T14:50:00.001-07:00

If you know me, you know I love children. I love the way their minds work, and the way they love with their WHOLE hearts, and the way they say what they're thinking, and the way they hug your legs like it's the last time they'll see you, and they way they write you love notes.
I love kids.
They capture my heart.
I feel the most alive when I'm around kids.
God has been really bringing this passion to life in my heart lately. My constant prayer is for this generation of children to truly and completely know their identity in Christ. That they would be so deeply rooted in HIS love, that they would never question their place in this family. Wouldn't that change everything? If an entire generation grew up knowing that their Father's love is never-ending, never-failing and all-consuming. If they knew that they belonged with God, and that nothing ever can or will take that away from them. I have such faith for this. I just know that I will get to see this in my day. I will get to see these boys and girls grow up into men and women and I will get to see them step into their callings, knowing that their identity is completely rooted in who God says they are.
I love the fact that, as I pray, I get to pray for the faces of these little ones. As I ask God to capture their hearts, I see their amazing smiles. I get to pray for them by name. I get to ask God to change their lives. What a treat. I am constantly moved to tears thinking about what an honor it is to join with God and the families at the Stirring in the shaping of their children.
I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, God has given me the story he has to keep my heart extra sensitive to these little ones. I grew up with my identity rooted in many things, none of which were God. I never truly felt like I belonged. Anywhere. It drastically changed the way I lived my life, and not in a good way. Thankfully, God rescued me. He gave me a new identity and a new song to sing. One full of joy and love and belonging. What if ever child we see at the Stirring never has to experience that? What if they knew in their heart and their mind that they are a child of God, and that who He says they are is all that matters? Wouldn't that just be the most beautiful thing ever?

Change

2011-07-28T11:00:00.000-07:00

I have my own office.
I thought I'd LOVE having my own office. When we were back at the Shervan Square office, there were 15 desks jammed into one room. I shared desk space with 4 other people. No privacy, lots of noise. It was crazy. Always something happening. I was counting down the days until I had an office of my very own. I remember thinking "I can ACTUALLY get work done when I have my own office. I can't wait."
Now the day is here. I'm typing this very blog from the comfort and privacy of my own office. It's quiet, it's distraction free, and it's kind of lonely! Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful! But it's so different. It's an adjustment that I wasn't expecting to make. I wasn't expecting to actually MISS the chaos and noise of Shervan Square. Isn't it funny how things like that work? I know that, with time, I will love my office. With a little help from Jessica, I know it will be transformed into a room that I love. But I'm just being honest, it's difficult. It's an adjustment. It's taking me time. I fight change. I don't always do so well. And right now, we are in a HUGE season of change. Part of me can't wait, and part of me wants to move back to Shervan Square... it's funny how things work. More than anything, I'm learning to appreciate the seasons. This season of change won't be forever. I want to learn to embrace it and LOVE it.... I'm still learning :)

Second Chances

2011-07-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

Second chances are so beautiful.
We've all screwed up. We've all failed. We've all done something we're less than proud of. And we all deserve a second chance.
A few years back I was introduced to this organization called People of a Second Chance. It's a beautiful organization that is all about radical grace and forgiveness in ministry and leadership. This is a quote from their website that gets me teary eyed every time I read it:

"We are not ashamed of our scars, wounds, or failures and leverage them as a source of strength and character development."

Second chances are so beautiful. They are so powerful. In my life, God has given me the greatest second chance of all. And so has the community I've surrounded myself with. I've made my fair share of mistakes. Some pretty big ones. I've messed up. I've fallen pretty far down a path of destruction and chaos. But when I reached an all-time low, I found that I was given a second chance to become the woman God wanted me to be all along. I wasn't looked down upon, I wasn't judged for my past. I was loved in a deep, true, authentic way. And that's what made all the difference. Now, my passion and burning desire is to become that second chance for others. To be that voice of hope and love to someone who has fallen just as far as I had. Just as I freely received that love, I want to freely give it.

Second chances are so beautiful. They bring life to the lifeless. They bring hope to the hopeless. They remind people that they ARE worthy of love and something better than what they're living now.

I was deeply moved by this blog today. You should go, right now, and read it. It's incredible. God wants to heal MORE than our bodies. He wants to heal our hearts. What's a better way to heal a heart than by offering a second chance? By offering forgiveness and love instead of bitterness and anger? I can't think of one. I'm so thankful for the grace that has been shown to me.

Second chances are just so beautiful.

A bit about me: Passion.

2011-07-06T21:03:00.000-07:00

As I was driving to the Sacramento Airport today, I realized something about myself; I'm a passionate person. I'm passionate about everything that is of importance to me. I either passionately LOVE something or passionately DESPISE something. There's really no middle ground for me. More often than not, I am moved to tears by both the things I passionately love and passionately detest. So, to go along with passionate, I am also a bit sensitive (okay, a LOT sensitive). But these are things I'm learning to love about myself. I love that stealing a sweet moment with one of the children that I love usually leaves me with tears running down my cheeks, and that listening to a story of a life changed gets me all weepy. God has created me with a sensitive heart and a fierce passion to defend the things that so deeply touch that heart. I know some people will never understand, and that's okay. All I know is that I am who I am for a reason, and I hope and pray that God will continue to use and shape my overly-sensitive, overly-passionate, loving heart to touch the lives of others.

Mail.

2011-06-28T11:17:00.001-07:00

I've been struggling with this feeling lately. It's like when you come home from vacation, and you have a GIANT stack of mail waiting for you.
Some good mail, some bad mail.
All you REALLY want to do is toss every single piece of it in the garbage, and walk away.
It would be so much easier.
It would take so much less time.
It wouldn't be frustrating or hard to just throw the mail away. But you know you'd be missing out on some good stuff if you tossed it all out. Because with the bad comes good.
It's true.
I know it's true.
But the place where I get stuck is just feeling so overwhelmed by all of it.
Where do I start?
How do I know which piece to look at first?
Do I pull from the middle of the pile, or the top?
There's just so much... and even though I know the good stuff is in there, all I can see is the bad and hard and messy mail.
And it's discouraging.
That's been the struggle lately... facing my mail. One piece at a time.
Some pieces are harder than others, but I know that with the bad comes good. With the pain comes healing.

Photo source

Fathers.

2011-06-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

Viewing God as my father has always been a struggle for me. The lens I view a father through is a dysfunctional, painful one. A lens with a lot of hurt and a lot of confusion. So when I cry out to God as his daughter, there is an immediate distortion, followed by an immediate hesitation. I begin to pile on to God all of the attributes of my biological father. His short temper and impatience with me. His lack of compassion and love and tenderness. His indifference. His passivity. His lack of interest.
These are the things I unfairly associate with a father, and therefore, with God.
Last night, there was a call for prayer at the end of our 6:00 gathering at the Stirring. Derrick called forward people who felt they had a skewed view of the Father, and who needed to hear they were the Beloved Child of God. The longer I stood there, the clearer it was that I needed to have a specific leader pray for me. Stubbornly, I took my time but did eventually make it over to Sean. I gave him a brief summary of what was going on with me, and his response was simple. "Emily, you wouldn't be the person you are today if your dad was your only Father. You are who you are today because God is your Father first."
Such a simple truth, but something I'd never given much thought to.
Without God, I would not be where I am. I would not have the job that I have, the passions that I have, the family that I have... I would be a completely different person. It is clear that I am the Beloved daughter of the King because of the way he has transformed my life. And while I'm sure it will be an ongoing struggle for me to see clearly through the "God-Is-My-Father" lens, I know that I am deeply loved by my Father. And that's a start, right?

30 Days of Celebration

2011-06-21T15:39:00.000-07:00

A few things I love:
-Grape flavored bubble gum
-Sticky notes
-Valentine's Day
-Fresh flowers
-Coffee. Always coffee.
-Hugs
-Mistletoe :)
-Love notes
-Love letters
-Love stories
-Love
-Bright colors
-Chocolate
-Surprises
-Giving gifts
-Laughing
-Kisses from kids I love the most
-Learning something new

Today I'm celebrating some of the little things in my life that make me the most happy.

30 Days of Celebration

2011-06-17T11:02:00.000-07:00

Last Sunday, Aaron brought an incredible word about how we SHOUT with our stories. Our stories shout where we've been, who we're becoming, what we stand for, how we've been hurt and how we've been healed. Our stories should shout the loudest. God has given me a story to shout. He's still adding to it. Sometimes it's hard. And it hurts. But I know that I get to choose to hide my story or shout my story. I choose to shout it every time. Sure it's a long story, sure it's messy and parts of it are hard to hear, but it's a story about a life changed. About God rescuing one of his children. It's a story full of hope. And people need to hear stories full of hope and God's mighty love. That's why I shout my story. And that's what I'm celebrating today. My shout.

30 Days of Celebration

2011-06-13T22:41:00.001-07:00

I've been keeping a little list in my notebook of the things I want to include in my blog everyday. Things that I find myself celebrating throughout the day. Here are a few of them:
-Music. I love music. I love the way a song can bring back such vivid memories, it's almost like you're reliving a moment. And the way the lyrics of a song seem to connect with a piece of your heart in a way nothing else can. Music is powerful and important and changes everything.
-Compliments. Have you ever watched a person receive a compliment from a stranger? There's something so wonderful about the way a few kind words can bring someone to life. I always try to be generous with my compliments.
-Encouragement. It's along the same lines as compliments, but encouragement is different. It speaks to the soul of a person. It speaks courage into the deepest parts of a person. I love to encourage others. I love to see what they're good at, or the ways God has gifted them and remind them of it as frequently as possible. Life is too short to be bashful. If I see something special in a person, chances are I'm going to tell them about it. Remind them about it as often as I can. I've found that nine times out of ten, it's exactly what that person needed to hear. An encouraging word goes a long way. And I've noticed that the more I encourage, the more encouraged and alive I feel. It's really a fantastic feeling!
-Passion. There's something so contagious about a person who is passionate. I recently went to this show where a band was playing. They're style of music was far from anything I'd choose to listen to, but the strangest thing happened: As they continued to play, I began to fall in love with them. Not because I loved their music, buy because of the passion they possessed and the way they poured every ounce of that passion into their music. Isn't it so inspiring to meet someone who is absolutely enthralled and passionate about their job or their hobby or their children or their loved one? You can't help but want to be part of what they're part of.

That's all I've got for today. I can't wait to see what celebrations tomorrow brings!

30 Days of Celebration

2011-06-11T08:49:00.000-07:00

So I've fallen behind a little bit. Don't judge me. :) If you're just reading my blog for the first time in a while, check out this blog to see what I'm up to.
Here are the things I'm celebrating today:
1. Dancing: I can't really dance to save my life. I love it. It makes me laugh and smile and have a great time but I look like a goof doing it... which is the best part :)
2. Girlfriends: I love piling into the car, blasting some Taylor Swift, driving around town and laughing uncontrollably. We have fun.
3. Good books: I love reading. I love finding a good book that I can't put down. I love FINISHING a good book and moving on to the next one. I love that I have time to read!

4. Seasons: The great thing about the winter is that it's followed by the spring, when flowers bloom and beauty sweeps over the earth. We all go through our winter seasons, but the most beautiful times ALWAYS follow the winter.
5. Mondays: They are my sabbath. I get to sleep in, sip coffee, read books, and altogether relax on Mondays. They are my day to recharge, recenter, and rest. Hooray for Mondays.

(Image source)

Day 6

2011-06-08T13:47:00.000-07:00

Today, I have a lot to celebrate. Yesterday was one of those days. Where you can't see around the junk. Where you can't remember why you're celebrating in the first place. I had a bad day yesterday. But today, today is a different story. My heart is full of joy. My step is full of bounce, my eyes are full of excitement. Today is a good day. Here's what I'm celebrating today:
1. The hard days. Sometimes, you have to take a moment and cheer, shout, clap, remember, honor and embrace the hard days. Yesterday was a hard day but today I celebrate it because today is a lovely day. And I want to remember the celebration more than the hardness of the day.
2. Simple pleasures. I'm a pretty simple girl. It doesn't take much to get me super jazzed about life. I love the simple things in life. Like eating lunch in the park with your friends. And driving around with the sunroof open and the windows down singing Taylor Swift at the top of your lungs. And making a new friend. And doing something for the very first time. And surprising a friend with a sweet little gift. I love the simple things in life.
3. Over coming fears. I hate trains. Hate them. And feet. Yuck. But there's something so wonderful about overcoming fears, no matter how small. Like when I see a train and don't immediately want to throw up and scream and cry all at the same time. Or like when someone accidentally brushes me with their feet and I don't noticeably shutter. These are things to celebrate!
4. Jokes. I love jokes. People don't tell jokes enough. Do people EVER tell jokes? I love jokes and I celebrate them. ALL the time. At one point, we had a HUGE bowl of Laffy Taffys in the office, and I took the time to daily read at least 4 of the Laffy Taffy jokes. So good. I think I like cheesy jokes the best. I also like Chuck Norris jokes. It's true. Whenever I hear a good joke, I like to celebrate it. Anybody have a good joke for me?
5. New goals. I like to set goals for myself. I love it when I find a new goal to set. I've found one. Maybe one day I'll share it with you. :) :)

Days 4 and 5

2011-06-06T10:53:00.001-07:00

I didn't get a chance to post yesterday, so here are my 5 celebrations from the past two days:

1. I'm celebrating my singleness. This one deserves all 5 of my celebrations for the day! I have so many conversations with people about this topic. Yes, I'm 26. Yes, I'm single. Yes, I run the Stirring Kids and am not married nor do I have children of my own. It's a constant tension in my life. Of course I long to fall in love. Of course I long to stand in front of my friends and family and vow to love and cherish an amazing man of God... but I choose to find joy and celebration in the season I'm in now- as a single 26 year old girl who God is constantly refining and shaping and drawing nearer to Him. I'm not content, no. I don't have a total peaceful happiness about my singleness, but I choose to celebrate it. I choose to find joy in it. I choose to continue living my life and allowing God to do the hard work in me that He is while I'm in this season.

2. I'm celebrating family. It's a hard topic for me. For a number of reasons. But I'm celebrating the family I grew up in AND the family God has given me here in Redding. Both are worthy of celebration. Both have shaped me into the person I am today.

3. I'm celebrating trials. Romans 5:3-4 says it so well... "We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation."
Our trials remind us of the Hope we have in Jesus. Do we really need more of a reason to celebrate them? Didn't think so.

4. I'm celebrating flaws. We all have them. There isn't a single person who is perfect. I find there's something so unique about a person who's real and honest about their flaws. I know that I'm a sensitive and emotional person. It's the way God made me. Sure, it's not the best characteristic. Sure, sometimes I cry for just about no reason. Sure, I get my feelings hurt more in one day than most people do in an entire lifetime. But that's what makes me, me. I've embraced it. You should too :)

5. I'm celebrating my scars. The best thing about scars is they mean you've healed. They tell a story of your past, and give you strength for the present and future. They remind you of the things you've survived, and of the ways God has showed up in powerful ways in your life. When I share my story, I share it scars and all. There's really no other way to share it.

I'd love to hear the things YOU are celebrating today :) Don't be shy, go ahead and leave a comment!

30 Days of Celebration: Day 3

2011-06-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

The 30 Days of Celebration continues. Today's been a weird day. I don't feel much like celebrating, but that's the point of this challenge: To find things to celebrate even when I don't want to. So, here we go:
I'm celebrating...
1. Psalm 139- it's my favorite and has gotten me through some pretty rough times. One day, I'll have it tattooed on ever-growing full sleeve in one form or another.
2. My tattoo. It has a lot of meaning. You should ask me about it someday. I'd love to tell you.
3. The nearness of God. Psalm 34 says he is near to the brokenhearted. I'm always so thankful for that. His nearness should ALWAYS be celebrated.
4. The joy that comes each morning. Regardless of the sorrow or pain or struggles or trials that come through the day and each night, there is joy and refreshing in the morning. That's good news.
5. Vulnerability. I've had a friend of mine tell me over and over again that God calls some to be more vulnerable than others... and that clearly he's called me to share some of the hard parts of my story because he wants to use that vulnerability to reach others.

This was a hard day of celebration for me. Here's to hoping tomorrow is better!

30 Days of Celebration: Day 2

2011-06-03T16:45:00.000-07:00

30 days of Celebration: Day 2
If you have no idea what I'm talking about, read my post from yesterday- it explains it all. I had someone ask me yesterday "What's the difference between your 30 days of Thanks and your 30 days of Celebration? Isn't thankfulness and celebration kind of the same thing?" To which, I reply a big, huge, giant NO. Thankfulness is a thought. An emotion. A feeling. Celebration is an action. It's an outward expression. The two are not the same. And I'm taking the time, over the next month, to outwardly celebrate things in my life. 5 things a day, to be exact. Here are my 5 celebrations for today:
1. I'm celebrating laughter. How easy it is to laugh and rejoice and be happy. There were times where it wasn't always easy. I'm celebrating that today.
2. I'm celebrating the fact that I am pain free. 3 years ago, I had back surgery. The surgeon told me I would never be able to run again. He was wrong. I run at least 3 times a week. I'm celebrating that today.
3. I'm celebrating new friendships that feel like they've been around a lifetime. God seems to give you exactly the right friends in the difficult seasons. I'm extremely thankful for a few new friends who have been extra great to me lately. I'd be lost without them. It's true.
4. I'm celebrating food. (Remind me to explain this one another time).
5. I'm celebrating blogging. It's become a way for me to cope and express myself. A way for me to put on "paper" all of the thoughts and worries and struggles that are rolling around in my head. It's been a way for me to relate with people and share bits and pieces of my story. It's become a huge part of who I am.

So that's it for day two. 5 more things I'm celebrating today. Cheers.

30 Days of Celebration

2011-06-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

I want my life to be marked by celebration. I want to be known for celebrating in the hardest of times as well as in the most wonderful of times. I want to face every obstacle and struggle with a posture and attitude of celebration. There's a song that says "...in the sun and rain my life celebrates..." and I want that to be what my life looks like. Sun shine or rain, I want to celebrate. I've talked about this before... but I've recently been inspired. Back in November, I joined with a friend to take on what I named the "Gratitude Challenge" where we wrote a blog every day for the entire month of November stating one or more thing that we were thankful for. I've decided to take up this challenge again, but this time I'm going to blog daily about the things I'm celebrating, about the victories in my life.
I told a friend of mine about this, and he challenged me to blog about at least 5 things everyday that I'm celebrating. At first I was kind of bugged. This was my idea, after all. I didn't ask for input... but I soon realized he was right. One thing is easy, but 5 things.... that's really challenging myself to search for the hidden victories I'm celebrating. And I never say no to a challenge... So, although I'm starting a day late, today marks the first day of my 30 days of Celebration.
Today, I'm celebrating:
1. The fact that I have a new life. "This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Cor 5:17. I'm celebrating that my old life, my old choices, my old thoughts and actions do NOT define me anymore. That I am a new creation because I belong to Christ.
2. That I have a story worth telling. It may be difficult at parts, but I'm celebrating my story- scars and all.
3. The fact that the extremely difficult thoughts and fears that used to occupy my mind daily are now nothing but a distant memory. They have no power over me anymore. Sure, there are days where I struggle, but I'm celebrating that I've come such a long way and that the progress will only continue.
4. That I'm not in this alone.
5. That it's okay to celebrate even in the hard times. It may not always feel right, but something happens when we choose to celebrate in the face of pain and heartbreak and sadness. God uses a willing heart.

It's so easy, especially in the difficult seasons of life, to dwell on the negative. To think only about the difficulties in life. To focus only on how unfair life is... but I love what Philippians 4:8 says "...Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise."
Shouldn't this be our posture instead? Thinking of only things that are worthy of praise? That's my goal with this challenge.
So, what are the things you're celebrating today? What are the victories you're praising God for in this season?

Loss knows no limits.

2011-05-30T12:39:00.000-07:00

Loss knows no limits.
Whether you've lost a child, a parent, a spouse, a part of yourself, a season in your life... there is a certain understanding that unites all people who have experienced true, heartbreaking, seemingly impossible loss. I hear stories about people who have lost their 3 month old babies in car accidents, or people who have lost their husband of 30+ years to cancer, or of women who have had bits and pieces of their identity ripped from their grasp and my heart immediately feels united with theirs. Their loss is my loss. I understand it. I feel it. I grieve and mourn with them. While our stories are so different, we have both experienced loss in such a real and life-changing way. Loss knows no limits. It is universal. The pain and grief that come with loss, whatever the form, is the same. I find so much hope in this, knowing that I am not alone. Knowing that others understand, to some extent, the heartbreak I feel. Knowing that, before ANY of our suffering, Jesus felt the same loss. I love how JJ Heller says it in her song Control "...there were scars before my scars. Love written on the hands that hung the stars. Hope living in the blood that was spilled for me...."
I find hope knowing that there were scars before my scars.
And I get to choose, everyday, how I respond to the hurt and pain I feel. I can let it control my life. I can let it debilitate me. I can give in to the hopelessness.
OR
I can believe in God's great plan for my life. I can believe that every obstacle and unjust thing and seemingly impossible struggle that occurs in my life "has been permitted by God as a glorious opportunity for us to react to them in such a way that our Lord and Savior is able to produce in us, little by little, his own lovely character." -Hannah Hurnard

I can't say that I understand the reasons behind why these things happen. Loss isn't fair. It doesn't make sense. It hurts and is horribly impossible. But I choose to believe. To have faith. To live a life of surrender to my God, knowing that He wants me to be more like him. Knowing that He will use every impossible situation to make me more like him. Knowing that he is a good God, always.
Loss knows no limits, but neither does God's great love. That's the truth.

De-stress-afier

2011-05-10T10:41:00.001-07:00

Some days, life gets the best of me. I find myself tightly wound with stress, frustration, an ever-growing to-do list... you get the idea. This morning was one of those days. As I was getting ready for work, I found my mind racing with all of this week's meetings and agenda and shopping lists. Now, different people respond differently to these types of scenarios. Some people would make a list of EVERYTHING they need to get done. Some people would ignore the nagging reminders in their head, and just stroll through their day unaffected by many things they need to get done. Some people would call a friend and begin to verbally process through all of the items on their plate. But me, I have a special way to deal with situations like these: When the stress comes, I vacuum. I'm not even kidding. About 10 minutes into blow-drying my hair today, I got up from my vanity, plugged in my Dyson, and proceeded to vacuum my bedroom. Twice. Okay, maybe three times. When I was done, I somehow felt lighter, happier, more care-free. I'm convinced everybody needs to vacuum when they're stressed. Or at least figure out what it is that melts their stress away like vacuuming does for me.
Vacuuming is officially my de-stress-afier.
Try it out sometime, you might be pleasantly surprised by the outcome :)

Celebrate.

2011-05-05T18:48:00.000-07:00

A simple word
Written on the door frame
Of my soon-to-be office
In Sharpie
Spoke to my heart.
This past year has been a really hard one.
I've come through so many dark places.
God has done so much in my life.
And I want to be known for, to be MARKED by, my celebration.
I want to celebrate in the face of discouragement and pain and loss and suffering and heartbreak and trials and hardship.
I want to choose celebration. Someone wise once told me that this is a season of celebration for me. And I'm convinced the season is not over. That the season may last a lifetime.

I believe that something powerful happens when you take a posture of celebration.
The power shifts from the hands of the one inflicting the pain to the hands of the one healing it.
It would be so easy to look back on my year, and ahead at the year to come, and think of nothing but the hard parts. The trials to come. The pain. But I choose to celebrate.
I want to celebrate ALL of the victories in my life.
Big and small.
Easy and hard.
All of them.
Because there are a lot.
I'm blessed. My life is blessed. I have an incredible family who reminds me to celebrate. Who reminds me I have many reasons to celebrate.
So, as the drywall goes up around that exposed door frame, and the sharpie-marked 2x4 gets covered, I fix my eyes on God, knowing that He is celebrating with me.

I choose celebration.
I want my life to be marked by it.

Good News.

2011-04-29T14:29:00.001-07:00

"Those who plant in tears will harvest with shouts of joy."

Sometimes I have to read this Psalm over and over and over.
Just to remember that the tears are part of the planting, but the JOY will be part of the harvesting. The process doesn't end with the tears, but with the joy.
That's good news.
Because some days are harder than other days.
Some days, the tears just seem to be a little more real. A little more accessible. A little more abundant.
But the good news is that it doesn't end with the tears. It ends with the joy. And the joy is worth waiting for. Worth crying for. Worth fighting through the tears for.
So, when the tears come, I just remember that on the other side, there is joy.

What's on your list?

2011-04-20T11:58:00.000-07:00

Things that can bring a smile to my face guaranteed:

-ranunculus
-sweet words from my sweet friends
-bear hugs from my sweet Zeke
-weddings (they bring a smile and usually tears)
-fresh flowers. any kind, but ESPECIALLY ranunculus.
-toothless grins from grade-school kids
-sticky notes, note cards, sharpies... pretty much office supplies of any kind
-bows and ribbons in my hair
-listening to After the Storm. Over and over again
-witty text messages
-my cat when he snores
-listening to little ones pray
-hugs. always hugs
-notes on my windshield
-adventures

Some days, you just need to remember what makes you smile.

(here's a picture of ranunculus)

Just a thought for today...

2011-04-19T15:14:00.000-07:00

Today, I choose to be glad. To rejoice. To give thanks. To have hope.
Today, I choose to fix my sights on what is lovely and good and joyous and pleasant.
I find that many are drawn to only see the negative. The ugly. The imperfections in their life.
My only question for them is why? Why waste your time looking at the bad and ugly? Why not make a choice to be positive; I'm convinced it's contagious. And sure, some call me naive, but I'm okay with that. I just happen to believe that life is too short to waste a day angry and bitter. We often become comfortable in our bitterness, and can't find our way out.
So, I make a choice. Every day. To be glad. To rejoice. To give thanks. Because my God has rescued me. He has set me free. He has given me hope. He has given me a glorious, beautiful, wonderful, blessed life. How can I NOT be thankful for that?
Now hear me out, I'm not saying it's easy, or that I ALWAYS succeed. There are definitely days where I'm grouchy and upset. But it's something that I'm constantly remembering. Constantly reminding myself of. Constantly asking myself.
What am I choosing today? What am I fixing my thoughts on today? Who's voice am I pressing into today?

"And now, dear brothers and sisters, one final thing. Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise." Philippians 4:8-9

I believe we all have a choice. Every day. What do we choose to fix our thoughts on?

It is April. There is hope.

2011-04-15T13:11:00.000-07:00

April is Sexual Assault Awareness Month.

I keep seeing banners and tweets and updates about it. It seems to be in my face everywhere I turn.
When I was 16, I was a victim of sexual assault.
It's taken me years to talk about. 10 years, to be exact. I've lived with this big, painful, paralyzing, dark secret for 10 years. Nobody knew. And that's how I wanted it. I carried so much shame. So much guilt. I thought people would judge me if they knew. I thought they would leave me, betray me, reject me if they knew the truth. So, I kept the secret. Until almost exactly a year ago. That's when I had possibly the hardest conversation of my life. Unveiling the truth that I'd been hiding for 10 years. There were a lot of tears. And there was a lot of fear. But, once the truth was out there, out in the light, out of the darkness it had been living in for 10 years, everything changed.
The shame and
fear and
pain and
guilt began to disappear.
And were replaced with truth and
joy and
victory and
freedom.
God began to speak truth and life back into the most broken and wounded places in me. He began to restore and redeem and heal. It was a long, hard road. One that I'm still journeying down. But one that I choose to take every day. I choose to believe the things God says about me. I choose to celebrate and press into God's words for my life. I choose to see the progress I've made. I choose the hope I have in God. Part of healing is a choice. You have to choose to tell your story. Even if you've been keeping it a secret for 10 years. You have to choose to be vulnerable and real. And to trust God.

I'm choosing to tell this part of my story, not because it's fun (it's actually still kind of terrifying to tell... especially in such a public way), but because awareness needs to be raised. One in four women will be sexually assaulted at some point in their lifetime.
One in four.
The numbers are shocking, but what's even MORE shocking is that many of those women won't report or even talk about the assault.
I'm telling this part of my story so that people know they aren't alone. And so they know that there is hope.
Deuteronomy 31:6 is my constant reminder that there is hope, that God doesn't leave us, that we don't have to be afraid or terrified or fearful... "Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
That is his promise to us. He will never leave us. He will never forsake us. There is hope.

April is Sexual Assault Awareness month. That's why I'm choosing to tell this part of my story.

I'm allergic to Redding.

2011-04-13T14:29:00.000-07:00

It's allergy season. For me this means:
-mouth breathing
-itchy throat
-itchy eyes
-itchy nose
-sneezing
-absolutely NO breathing out of my nose
-tearing through a box of Puffs Plus Aloe in less than a day
-constant runny nostril (just one. just the left nostril. strangest thing ever.)
-blood-shot eyes (from the itching/coughing/itching)
-using my inhaler every night (yep, allergies triggers asthma. Amazing.)
-washing my bedding every week (they say the pollen gets in your hair and then in your sheets... I'll do just about anything for relief!)
-not really enjoying food (can't breath while I'm eating, and can't taste anything.)
-sounding sick 24/7. Don't worry folks, it's allergies. Not the Bubonic plague.

Pretty much, I'm miserable from April - August. I should probably just go see a Doctor to get REAL allergy meds, but instead I just pump myself full of Zyrtec D and try my best to not mouth breath all over my friends.
And I remind myself, it's only seasonal. It's only seasonal. It's only seasonal. Some people live with this stuff their entire LIVES! Now that's a bummer. I can get through a few months. Also, it makes me thankful for the days when I can actually breathe through my nose and taste food and make my "m's" sound like "m's" and my "n's" sound like "n's".

SO there you have it. I'm not even sure what exactly I'm allergic to... so I like to say I'm allergic to Redding.

Rear-view mirrors

2011-04-05T13:09:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the past fogs my vision.
I try to live life through the rear-view mirror.
I hold onto the past.
To the pain from the past.
I become comfortable with that pain.
It becomes a little companion that I carry with me everywhere I go.
Reminding me of the things I've done wrong.
Of what a mess I am.
Of what a mess my life looks like most days.
Of all the ways I've made mistakes.
And of all the ways those mistakes will forever go with me.
This companion, it has a name.
This companion is called shame.
It's sneaky and tricky and comes camouflaged in all shapes and sizes.
It settles into the places in your inner-most being, the most tucked away places, the most hidden and repressed. The most insecure.
And it sits there.
And sits there.
And sits there.
Reminding you of why you aren't worthy.
And why you aren't deserving of good things.
And all of the things you've done wrong.
And so, you listen.
You believe.
You accept these as the truth.
Because it's what you hear and feel. So it becomes reality.
But, there's some good news.
Really, really, exceptionally, extraordinarily, astonishingly, stupendously good news.
When Jesus climbed the mountain
And hung on the Cross
And laid down his life for us
It meant no more sacrificing, no more striving, no more living in a place of pain, of sin, of shame.
When Jesus uttered the words "It is finished" it meant we could stop climbing that mountain of shame.
Shame is gone. That constant companion is forever vanished from our lives.
And in it's place is joy
and love
and peace
and excitement
and hope
and redemption
and healing
and freedom
and strength.
Shame is gone. Because of Jesus, shame will never have a place in our lives ever again.

My favorite Psalm says it best, "Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy; no shadow of shame will darken their faces." Psalm 34:5

So when the truth is hard to see, and I'm living from my rear-view mirror, I have to remember that I don't have to climb that mountain any more. It is finished. Jesus took the last trip up that mountain.
And because of that, I get to live from a place of such beauty. Such gratitude. Such love. Such joy.

A little bit about my thankfulness

2011-04-01T12:47:00.000-07:00

Back in November, I got wind of a great idea from a friend of mine... 30 days of thanks. Instead of just being thankful on Thanksgiving, the idea was to be thankful for the entire month of November. What started off as a "challenge" has turned into a new way to see the world. A change in posture, if you will. Another friend of mine wrote a blog yesterday along these same lines, and it sparked my passion all over again. Life is too short to be negative all of the time. Of course there are going to be bummer days. Bummer weeks. Bummer season. Sure, that's part of life. But if the ONLY thing you can ever see is the down side, the negative, the cruddy part of your day, what kind of life is that? I want to be full of thanks and gratitude. I live an incredible life. Sure, I've been through my fair share of trials. I've had some pretty low lows. There are been some pretty dark seasons of my life. But I refuse to believe that's all there is to life.

I'm thankful to have an incredible family that loves me and speaks life and courage into me.
I'm thankful to live in one of the most diversely beautiful places in the world (argue with me if you'd like, but you're wasting your breath).
I'm thankful to have a God who is jealous for me, who loves me with an unfailing, never ending love.
I'm thankful to have a job that I absolutely love.
I'm thankful.
For a whole lot.
My life is incredible. And that's what I choose to see. I choose to see the good, the beautiful, the positive parts of my life. Call me naive or simple. I don't care. My life is good. I'm lucky. I choose to thank God every day for the wonderful things he's given me. Sure, some of them may have come in pretty crappy packages, but they turned out to be incredible nonetheless.

So, like I said, this whole thing started out as a 30 day challenge and has turned out to be one of the most life-changing challenges I've ever taken. It changed everything. The posture I have, the lens I see life through... It's powerful!
My hope is that my thanks and joy and gratitude could be contagious to those around me.
Because life is just too short.

Thankful Thursday

2011-03-31T21:33:00.000-07:00

Somedays you just need to remember the things that really matter. I had the pleasure of taking a very sweet 7 (almost 8) year old out on a date tonight. Zeke has a special place my heart. His unique view on the world around him, and his extremely sensitive and passionate heart... I'm convinced this little boy will one day change the world. We went to Target (his favorite) and then to Sweet Spot for some ice cream. I love hearing his thoughts and getting to laugh with him. My highlight of our date was hearing the play-by-play of his day. "And then I played outside and then I ate lunch and then...." He just cracks me up. So today, I'm thankful for "date nights" and for Ezekiel Lance.

Location:Coffee Berry Ln,Redding,United States

Tales of a 6 am runner

2011-03-30T10:38:00.001-07:00

For about a year now, I've been waking up at 5:45 am on Tuesday and Thursday mornings to run with a few of my lady friends. It's been interesting. Here are a few things we've experienced:
-Dog attacks (true story, ask Alyssa.)
-Forgetting shoes (another true story, ask Alyssa again.)
-Bloody noses (that one's all Rebecca... serious nose-bleedage.)
-Pouring rain (Like REALLY pouring. Like, soaking-wet-within-minutes kind of pouring rain.)
-Insane wind (I'm pretty sure we were running in place for over 3 minutes... true story.)
-Flooded trails (I'm talking ankle-deep water all across the trail.)
-Frozen trails (Both of us almost slipped and feel to our death.)
-Pitch black trails (When the sun doesn't show it's pretty little head until after 7:00 am, and there's no moon, and the clouds are covering ANY kind of natural light that may exist, the trail is pretty stinking dark. Even with TWO headlamps. We sufficiently freaked ourselves out... to the point of seeing a homeless man who wasn't really there... at that point, we turned around.)
-23* weather (No joke. We froze.)
-The 5:47 text message... it usually goes something like this "Do you REALLY want to run this morning?" to which a reply can go one of two ways. Either "I'm in. We're doing this" or "NO! There's NO WAY!" Thankfully, the latter response is almost never used.
-Crazy bikers who freak us out.
-Rude fellow runners who yell at us to move our car. (Yep, ask Alyssa.)

We've seen it all. Rain, wind, snow, floods.... crazy dogs, invisible homeless men, psycho cyclists... It's been so much fun, and I'm so thankful for my running buddies. Without which, I'm sure I'd NEVER drag myself out of bed.
So, here's to great times on the trail at 6 am! And to some wonderful, faithful, dedicated running pals!!

Brokenness.

2011-03-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

Nate wrapped up our "Deep Shift" series this past Sunday with a great word about what being on mission really looks like, and how Jesus models that for us. He landed on a verse out of Luke 24 that really got me thinking... "As they sat down to eat, he took the bread and blessed it. Then he broke it and gave it to them. Suddenly, their eyes were opened, and they recognized him." Luke 24:30, 31
He took the bread
He blessed the bread
He broke the bread
He gave the bread away.

Jesus took it
He blessed it
He broke it
He gave it away.

Isn't that exactly what he does with us?
He takes us- maybe it's from a broken home or an awful situation or an apathetic attitude.
He blesses us- our lives change in a moment. We are no longer in that old place, but in a blessed place
He breaks us- he begins to work within our hearts, he places his finger on the things in our lives that need to break and allow HIS healing to become fixed, we become broken for the things that move us.
He gives us- he places us in the lives of others who need to see his goodness, who need be reminded of his unfailing, never-ending, all consuming love.

I love this parallel, and I think that many of us really get the first three steps of this. We allow Jesus to take us, to rescue us from the mess and trouble and pain that we're in. We allow him to bless us, to make us new, to fix our mess and trouble and pain. But then we get stuck. We get stuck in the brokenness. We get stuck in our OWN brokenness. Our lives are too broken. There's too much that needs to be fixed. God can't use US. No way. Nope. We are too broken.
OR
We get stuck in the way that God breaks our hearts.
We can't reach EVERY woman who is affected by sex trafficking, so we just don't try.
We can't help EVERY abused child, so we give up.
Our passions and burning hearts seem impossible to fulfill, so we just get stuck.
We seem to get stuck in our brokenness.
But, you see, there's a final step to this process.
Jesus TAKES the bread
He BLESSES it
He BREAKS it... and then... wait for it...
He gives it.
He gives it away.
Sometimes, we have to push through our brokenness to see that Jesus wants us to give our life, our stories, our victories, our passions, our desires, our dreams AWAY. He wants us to pour our lives out on others around us. When we get stuck in our brokenness, we can't reach others. We can't share our stories with others. We can't pour out our love and our passion on the ones around us who need it.
For a long time, I felt like my life was marked by brokenness.
And I couldn't figure out how in the world Jesus could use my broken life, my mess, my pain and suffering to help anybody else.
But, as I continued to push through my brokenness, I began to realize he was continuously bringing people into my life who needed to hear a little bit of my story. A little bit about the ways God showed up for me. A little bit about the freedom I'd found. And as I continued to share my life and my story and my brokenness with others, God began to heal me.
I love Psalm 34:18.
It says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
He is close to us. Especially when our hearts are broken. Especially when we feel crushed. That's why we need to share out of a place of brokenness. Because he is especially close in those times of our lives.
Don't get stuck in your brokenness. Push through your brokenness. Allow God to take you, bless you, break you AND give you away.

Just take a minute...

2011-03-23T17:43:00.000-07:00

The rain is falling. Bon Iver is playing. Cookies are baking. It's a good evening.
Today was one of those days where I am just overwhelmed by the goodness in my life.
I have an incredible job
I have wonderful, loving, genuine friends
I'm healthy
I have Jesus
I just feel lucky today.
Blessed really.
Days like these are rare for me.
Usually, I'm in "get-it-done" mode.
Email this person, call that person, print this, copy that, plan this, fix that, organize that other thing, call another person, send out 314 more emails, think about this, meet with him and then her and then that other person.
Go, go, go.
That's the usual mode I'm in.
But not today. For some reason, today I took a minute to reflect. To pause and enjoy this day.
All too often I'm bombarded with impatience.
I mean, honestly, red-lights and boiling water drive me crazy. Anything that requires me to wait just isn't welcomed into my life. But I'm learning that by being so darn impatient, I'm missing out. I'm missing out on the things and opportunities all around me.
If I'm only ever go, go, going, and moving onto that next meeting or email or to-do list, I don't give myself a chance to see the things and people and stuff in my life that I'm truly thankful for. I don't give myself any margin to take part in what God is doing all around me.
So today I'm stopping.
I'm pausing.
I'm reflecting.
I'm enjoying the moment.
I'm finding contentment with what I have.
I'm NOT focusing on my next thing.
I'm looking around me and realizing that I'm one incredibly lucky person.
I live a blessed life.
I have an amazing family.
Today, I'm enjoying today.
And I've gotta tell you, it's a pretty fantastic day.

We Love: The story of the Jar.

2011-03-21T13:47:00.000-07:00

Caitlin is 10 years old.
She greets me with a huge hug and a matching smile every Sunday morning.
She has the biggest, brightest, kindest, most compassionate heart.
Over the past few months, she's been working hard.
Washing cars, lemonade stands, collecting recycling, raking leaves, doing the dishes, and I can only imagine what else.
She's been working hard and saving her pennies.
Putting them in this jar.
On Sunday, she came running up to me (as usual) and handed me this glitter-covered jar. At first, I looked at it, thinking it was something her teachers had prompted her to bring to Sunday School. But after closer examination, I realized she was bringing her hard-earned money to contribute to our church-wide "We Love" offering that was happening that day at all three gatherings to help us raise money for our new space.
My heart melted.
Tears began to run down my cheeks. I was overwhelmed by the amount of sacrifice and generosity I was seeing from this 10 year old.
Nate said a number of times that it's not how much you bring, but how much it costs you.
This jar of change was everything to Caitlin.
It was all she had.
Do you remember being 10? A quarter was a big deal!
This jar was full of quarters.
This jar was a big deal.
I know that because of her ability to give up everything for God's glory, this little girl will live an incredibly blessed life. God will overwhelm her. I'm sure of it.
I realize to some, this jar doesn't look like much. Maybe $20 work of coins. But to this 10 year old, it was months and months of hard work and sacrifice.
What an example.
And the joy she had when she was giving it... We have a lot we can learn from 10 year olds like Caitlin.

What's your "lunch"?

2011-03-18T12:24:00.001-07:00

This post has been in the works for a long time. I've been sitting with these thoughts for a while. So here goes nothing...
On Sunday, Nate spoke about giving our lives to the things we're passionate about. He talked about how if you're willing to give your life to reach a generation, you WILL see that in your day. At the end of the evening, Nate talked about when Jesus fed the 5,000 people. It all started with a boy's lunch. Just a lunch. A simple lunch. A few loaves of bread. A few fish. That's all they had. But they gave EVERYTHING they had to Jesus, and saw thousands fed.
What's your "lunch"? What's the thing that you look at and say "But, it's ONLY a few loaves..."? For me, I really feel like the story of where I've been and what I've come through is my "lunch." I find myself constantly saying "But it's such a mess! It's still not all figured out. There's still pain and hurt and brokenness...." But the point that Nate made with this story of Jesus feeding the 5,000 was that if you offer up the things you have, great or small, to Jesus, he can use them to save lives.
He can use them to reach others who are
broken and
hurting and
lost.
He can use them to change a generation.

I promised myself that I would ALWAYS offer up my story to Jesus. For him to use. For him to display his goodness through my life. I would try to never say no. Because I just can't imagine leaving a conversation and wondering what my story could have done for someone else. Maybe they needed to hear that there really IS hope. That God really DOES rescue us. My story is a messy, painful, heartbreaking story. But it also is one of redemption and restoration. And THOSE are the things that I want to share. That's my "lunch". It's all I have. But I'll offer it up. Every time.

What's your "lunch"?

33 days to go.

2011-03-15T22:35:00.000-07:00

I really miss music in my car.
On Sunday, I got to listen to music all day long while I was driving around (lent can be broken on the Sabbath... it's the rules). It was magical. I really miss my music. Sometimes, I hate being left alone with my own thoughts. Ugh, only 33 days to go.

Stylish Blog Award

2011-03-14T12:00:00.000-07:00

So, last week I received the Stylish Blog Award (thanks again, Alicia!). Now, it's my turn to pass it on! *drum-roll-please* And the winner is AMY CULP! I've known Amy for some time. Amy, her husband John, and her kiddies have been part of our church, the Stirring, for as long as I've been part of it. She is one of the most encouraging and REAL people I've ever met. Her honesty and kindness are two of the many things that I love about her. She also writes a fantastic, witty, lovely blog that I am hooked on. She posts adorable pictures of her two amazing kids, as well as so many fun, easy, AMAZING crafts and creative pieces. I love the natural cleaning tips she has. I actually JUST made some natural carpet powder. I can't wait to use it!!! Amy, you're great, and I love your blog (and your family!!) You've inspired me and helped me along the way with design and layout. Thanks!!! Keep up the great work.

It's Saturday

2011-03-12T11:45:00.000-08:00

All the rules go out the window on Saturday.
It's my day to sleep in
To drink a LOT of coffee and eat delicious food that's NOT on my diet
To stay in my pajamas all morning and afternoon
To drink an entire French Press and then go to Dutch Bros. for round 2
To clean (if I want) or NOT clean (which is usually the case)
To spend time with friends and family
To make to-do lists, and promptly ignore everything on them
To stare at the ever-growing pile of laundry taking up residence in my room.... and do NOTHING about it
To fall in and out of a state of napping all day
All the rules go out the window on Saturday.
6 other days of the week, I get up early and get things done and work hard and go to meeting after meeting and act like a responsible adult. But not on Saturdays.
I love Saturdays.
What do YOU do on YOUR Saturdays?

Thankful Thursday

2011-03-10T20:16:00.000-08:00

I currently have an excruciating headache.
Like knives driving through my forehead.
Like boulders falling between my eyes.
Like insane pressure squeezing my eyeballs out of their sockets.
Like... well, you get the picture. My head hurts. A lot.
So here I sit, in a dark room, blogging because I can't sleep.

So today is Thursday, and I believe a Thankful Thursday is in order!
Today, I'm thankful for:
-Pushing through my running "wall" at 3 miles, and finishing out that last, torturous mile.
-Dark, gloomy, puffy, saturated clouds looming over the mountains just waiting to dump on our little valley town.
-Mint Cookie ice cream. Delicious.
-Chuck Norris. Today is his birthday. Maybe the headache is from him mentally round-house kicking me... who knows.
-God's perfect timing and incredible provision.

As I was driving in the car today (with no music on... day 2 was a success) I had this epiphany: I've truly been rescued. I know, it sounds dramatic, but it's true. God rescued me. He chose me, picked me, saw the path I was on and quite literally turned me around. I have no words to express my thanks. I just hope I can live the rest of my life trying to better and further his Kingdom because of the gratitude in my heart.

ANYWAY, the last thing I'm thankful for today on this Thankful Thursday is this:
My dear friend Alicia passed this lovely, sparkly, shiny, beautiful little award along to me. Isn't she the greatest?! I've known Alicia since I worked in her classroom as a special needs aide a few years back. She's an INCREDIBLE teacher. I learned so much just from being in her room a few hours each day. She's truly a gift. I admire her ability to reach the little ones in her room. So, I guess the rules are I have to tell y'all a few things about myself that y'all don't already know. Then I pass this along to a few other deserving bloggers (which will happen tomorrow...). So here goes nothing...

-When I was 10 or so, I played the violin. Well, I attempted to play it anyway. I mastered two songs; hot crossed buns and something else that sounded a lot like hot crossed buns. I'm convinced earplug should come with the rental of violins. My parents are brave, brave soles.
-In second grade I tested as a non-native English speaker on my reading/writing tests. Yep.
-I hate trains.
-I equally hate other peoples feet.
-I've played soccer since I was four years old.
-I'm allergic to walnuts.
-I once got sick after eating a breakfast burrito, and to this day can't eat them.
-I've never traveled out of the country (it's on my 2011 resolution list!)
-When I was a little girl, I used to watch myself cry in the mirror. I guess I wanted to be convincing!
-When I set an alarm clock, I usually set it for one minute before I actually want to wake up. It always has to be an odd number.

Now that you know all of my most quirky quirks, be sure to check my blog tomorrow for my recipients for this lovely award.

Today is Wednesday

2011-03-09T18:22:00.000-08:00

Today is Ash Wednesday and begins the season of Lent. I'm stoked. Lent can be a bit confusing to some... my friend Amy said to so well, I thought I'd steal it from her :)

"Christians are asked to "fast" something; to give it up for the season of Lent. The purpose of this is to deprive yourself of something that you eat/do daily so that when you think about eating/doing that thing you will be reminded and will pray instead. It is a season of Spiritual growth."

I've decided to "fast" from some of the noise in my life to create space to hear God speak. One way I thought I'd do this is to go without any music in my car. I hope to keep y'all updated on the incredibly enlightening things that surface through my music-free car rides (note the sarcastic tone there).

DAY 1:
Here are a few things I realized on my silent drive home from work today:
-My car is really loud (lots of rattling and squeaking and more rattling)
-People BLAST their music. And it's usually pretty awful music.
-The town I live in is beautiful.

God put a few peeps on my heart today during my drive, and I was able to spend my time praying for them... I'm really looking forward to these next 40 days. I can't wait to see what else God does through my tunes-free commutes!

What are the 'musts' in your life

2011-03-09T13:31:00.000-08:00

On Sunday, Jim Botts brought a great word about being on mission. One thing he said really stuck with me. He came out of the passage in Luke 2 where Jesus' parents lose him at the temple. When they tell him they were worried, he replies with "Why were you looking for me? Did you not know that I must be in my Father’s house?"
Being in his Father's house was a priority to him. It was a MUST to him.
Jim asked the question "What are the 'musts' in your life?"
What are the things you're giving your life away for?
What are the things that keep you up at night?
That you can't stop thinking about?
What are the things that are a priority to you?
What are the 'musts' in your life?

Immediately, the faces of hundreds of children came to my mind.
They are my 'musts.'
I will give my life away for them as long as I walk this earth.
No questions asked.
My heart beats for these children.
They are my priority.
To see them know God, and know his love for them.
To see them walk in that love.
To watch them learn and grow in God's never-failing, never-ending, all-consuming love.
That is what I'm giving my life away for.

Being about his Father's business was a must to Jesus. It was a priority to him.
What are the priorities in your life?
What are the 'musts' in your life?

Vulnerability

2011-03-07T14:40:00.000-08:00

What happens in your stomach when you hear the word 'Vulnerability'? Do you cringe? Cry? Look for the nearest exit? Withdraw? Hide behind the walls you've put up?
I just watched an incredible video by a woman named Brene Brown on Ted Talks titled "The power of vulnerability." Mind blowing. This woman, a Research-Storyteller (as she calls herself) was doing some research on shame, and stumbled upon a few things... to get the whole story, check out the video here.
A few things REALLY struck me, and I thought I'd share...
-You deconstruct shame with vulnerability.
Brown found that people who had a deep sense of love and belonging were those who believed they were WORTHY of love and belonging. These people had the courage to be imperfect, compassion to be kind to themselves first, and vulnerability. They fully embraced who they were and knew that what made them vulnerable made them beautiful.
-Brown found that while vulnerability is the core of shame and fear and worthiness, it is also the birth place of joy and belonging and love.
She had SO many other amazing points, but these two... they really rocked me.

As I reflected on my own struggles and my own story, I realized just how true this is. When I fully embraced vulnerability, shame and fear and rejection were replaced by joy and love and belonging. There is immense freedom in vulnerability. And yes it's scary, but when you begin to fully embrace who you are, and when you are real about it, the shame is deconstructed. It sort of just vanishes.
I used to be paralyzed by shame. It dictated everything I said and did. I lived behind walls and walls and walls of shame. But as I began to be honest and real with my life and my story, the walls came down. I'm a changed person. I've found freedom, and I truly believe that without being real and vulnerable with my story, I would still be living behind the walls of shame.

I believe vulnerability looks different for every person. It's not a one-size-fits-all kind of thing. Maybe it's being real with the people in your life for the first time. Maybe it's confessing to a friend. Maybe it's opening up to your husband or wife. But I know for me, I don't want to waste another moment. When God calls me to be vulnerable (which happens a LOT), I want to act in obedience.
Is there an are in your life that God is calling you to be vulnerable with? How will you respond?

Celebration

2011-03-05T17:41:00.000-08:00

Last week was a hard week. I had a few days where I was really struggling. I got super down. Super bummed. I couldn't see past my struggles. I got so frustrated because I really thought I was on the other side of all of this. I really thought I had overcome this junk. I was starting to feel like there was no hope....
But then a friend (a few friends actually) reminded me of something: this is a season of celebration.
I get to celebrate because the struggles are few and far between, not every day like they used to be.
I get to celebrate because what was once something that occupied my EVERY THOUGHT, is now easily tossed aside and overcome.
I get to celebrate because Jesus has set me free.
And yes, there might be moments that are harder than others, but I get to celebrate because I have new life.
I get to celebrate because I've worked hard to get to where I am.
I get to celebrate because I've made a TON of progress.

Sometimes we need a little perspective.
Sometimes we need friends to remind us that we've come really far, and that there might be hard days, but those hard days are the exception now. Not the norm.
Sometimes we need to CHOOSE to celebrate in the face of discouragement and frustration.

So, my question for you is this: Are you choosing to celebrate today? Even though you may feel frustrated and overwhelmed by how impossible your situation is? You've got to be able to see the things in life that are worthy of celebration.

I'm thankful that this is a season of celebration.

Conference take away:

2011-03-03T22:01:00.000-08:00

Yesterday wrapped up Risen King's Kingdom Healing conference. What an incredible time with incredible leaders. Not only did I learn oodles of information, I also experienced God in a whole new way... more on that later :)
A few of my MAIN take-aways from the conference:
-Wanda Walborn asked this question, "Where do you go when you're desperate?" It wrecked me. I turn to a number of things in my desperation.
A number of unhealthy, destructive, painful things...
Why is it that I don't turn to Jesus first?
In the most desperate, awful times, I want the FIRST place I turn to be the face of my Father.
-Ron Walborn asked this question, "What flows out of your wounds?" Ron framed this talk around the fact that healing flows out of Jesus' wounds. I took a long, hard look at my wounds. What does flow out of them? Is it pain?
or fear?
or bitterness?
or sadness?
I want healing to flow from my wounds.
I want to show others the healing that Jesus has done in my life through my wounds.
I want to use my wounds to bring others to Jesus... to show them that even in the WORST pain, He heals us.
I want to be honest about my wounds. Jesus REFUSED to hide his wounds. Why, as followers of Jesus, do we so often hide ours? We cover them up in whatever way we can, and pretend they don't exist. Ron said this, and I've heard it countless times from Dan... "It's okay to not be okay!"
If we don't choose into honesty with our wounds, we choose into denial, which leads to bitterness and anger... is that what we want flowing out of our wounds?
-Bill Randall brought a word on forgiveness that ROCKED me. Like really, really, REALLY rocked me. God did some incredible stuff in me through this message... I've got a whole entire separate blog in the works for this particular message. Keep an eye out :)

I walked away from this conference viewing healing in a brand new way. God truly increased my faith through the things that I learned and over the past few days.

Today is Sunday

2011-02-27T22:04:00.000-08:00

Nate brought a great word today at the Stirring. He spoke on living a life on mission. There were so many powerful things that he shared, but the main thing I took away from the message today was this: God wants to show up
Wherever you are
Through you
Not someone else
Not somewhere else
Now
Through you

I didn't grow up in the church.
I stepped foot in a church for the first time at the age of 22.
Through a series of very powerful, very FAST events, I gave my life over to the Lord and started living a life passionately pursuing God.
I quickly became a leader, and often felt like I had NO clue what I was doing.
It was so easy for me to hear God speak to me, or see an opportunity to step out in boldness, but brush it off... "No way, God wouldn't use ME!!!" is what I would usually tell myself. "Somebody else, somewhere else. Not here. Not now. Not with me. It's ME. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm not good enough or smart enough or know enough of the Bible for God to use ME!"
I remember living in that place for a long time.
And wasting too many opportunities because I was convinced God couldn't use a clueless, broken, scared, rookie-of-a-girl.
But here's the thing; God WANTS to use us. All of us. Right now. Exactly where we are. Exactly HOW we are. We don't have to be perfect or have it all together for him to use us.
We just have to be willing.
Jesus came saying the Kingdom of God is HERE. NOW!
It's not somewhere else in someone else.
It's here. Now. Living in all who believe.
Even the ones who are brand new.
Even the ones who are scared, and broken, and confused.
Yep. Even those ones.
Because, like Nate so powerfully said tonight, wherever you go, God is with you. And he wants to use you. To bring healing. To bring hope. To change lives. To bring the Kingdom.
Don't let another opportunity pass.

My thankful moment.

2011-02-25T22:58:00.001-08:00

Today, I'm thankful for this face.

How can you get mad at this face? I'm pretty sure it's impossible.
There's a lot going on in life right now, but it's moments that I spend with little faces like these that get me centered again. The stress will always be there. There will always be "things" to get done, but I cherish the time I get to play Hulk with this little dude...
Mo's quote of the day: "Noooooo Emmy! I not a sweet little boy! I MOSES!!"
I'm so thankful for these moments, and for this face.
Do you have thankful moments? That re-center you? Remind you of what's important in life? That get you back on track? What's your thankful moment of the day? Of the week? Who's face are YOU thankful for?

I heart Chuck.

2011-02-24T19:48:00.000-08:00

There are many things I look forward to in my day:
-My morning coffee
-Waking up to my sleeping cat right next to me
-My Tuesday/Thursday runs with the girls
-Cracking open my Bible at one of many favorite coffee shops
-Checking the mail (strange but true)
-Slipping my feet into my favorite slippers upon arriving home
The list could go on and on.
My days are full of wonderful things! But there is one thing that I REALLY look forward to.... Something that gets a true, genuine, crazy laugh out of me every time. Something that I can't even share without cracking up... Yep, I'm talking about my Chuck Norris widget. All I have to do is drag my cursor to the left corner of my MacBook screen, and PRESTO! A new, hilarious, amazing fact about Chuck Norris.

Here's the latest: If Chuck Norris round-house kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris misses you with the round-house kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

I love it.
Possibly my MOST favorite part of my day.
I'm pretty sure everybody needs a Chuck Norris widget... It's the greatest thing out there. It brings laughter to all! Just ask the people in the office with me... they LOVE it :)

Who Knew?

2011-02-24T16:34:00.001-08:00

A friend of mine made a comment to me the other day that struck me. We were somehow on the topic of creativity and she said, in a really matter-of-fact way "Oh, you're super creative, so this will be no big deal..."
I laughed out loud.
Me? Creative? Negative. I'm not creative. I glue my fingers together when using a hot glue gun. I spill paint everywhere when painting. I'm clumsy and Left Brain dominated.
I am not creative.
When she asked me why I was laughing, I explained my stance on my creativity.
But she quickly disagreed.
"You're creative with your WORDS Emily!"
I would have never recognized that. I would have never connected blogging with creativity. I love blogging. I enjoy it. It's a great outlet for me. I love using words to paint pictures and creative imagery. To help others see what I see the way I see it. To introduce others to a new world, a world of words and pictures and thoughtful (or, sometimes, thoughtLESS) ideas. I might have to admit that I have a love affair with words.
Maybe I am creative after all. Who knew?!

Germs be GONE!!

2011-02-23T19:03:00.000-08:00

Air Born + Zicam + vitamin C + Emergen-C + Neti-Pot = My recipe for health. Both of my roommates have been sick, my entire Life Group was coughing and sneezing last night, and I work with children... I suppose the odds of staying healthy are stacked against me. However, I am determined to beat this thing. So, I will be guzzling vitamins by the handful, and Neti-Potting like a mad woman. To top it off, I wash my hands 100+ times a day (that's the trick people!). I have also been known to Lysol an entire house a time or two... Germs, be warned! Your life will be short-lived!

CELEBRATE!

2011-02-22T14:11:00.001-08:00

As I was reading my Real Simple magazine, I stumbled across a funny little article that made me laugh. It was in the "Life Lessons" section. It was titled "5 things you can learn from your pet". I was intrigued, so I began to read... item number 1 made me so happy, I had to share: "Celebrate EVERYTHING." Anne-Marie O'Neill (the woman who wrote the article) goes on to say that dogs celebrate everything. Every moment she walks in her door, even if she's only been gone a short minute, her dogs celebrate her. Lathering her in kisses and attention and love. They get excited about every visitor, every door-bell, every returning entry. Her dogs celebrate everything.
I love this idea
I love the idea of celebrating everything.
Every person I meet
Every victory in my life
Every moment I'm alive
Every holiday
Every birthday
Every new friend
Every old friend
Every phone call
Every interaction
Everything.
I want to be known for celebration.
For rejoicing with those who rejoice.
For making those around me feel celebrated. Daily.
I want to learn from Anne-Marie's dogs, and celebrate EVERYTHING.

Mountains

2011-02-21T21:44:00.000-08:00

We all have mountains in our lives.
Whether it's the loss of a loved one,
or divorce,
or our job,
or an addiction,
or the stress of parenthood,
or abuse,
or heartbreak,
or assault,
or a past relationship,
or forgiving someone who's wronged you...
We all have mountains in our lives.
I have this mountain in my life. One that I've been climbing for a while. One that I've stumbled, and fallen back down a few times. One that has, at times, seemed impossible. One that I thought I'd reached the top of... until recently. On Sunday, it felt like this mountain was reappearing before my very eyes. The impossibility of it seemed to be more real than ever. The thoughts running through my head:
-when will this stop?
-will I EVER get over this?
-what's wrong with me?
-why can't I figure it out?
-why can't I just get to the top?
I walked into the Sunday evening service at the Stirring feeling incredibly discouraged and defeated and frustrated and sad and disappointed.
My mountain was too big. Too steep. Too dangerous. Too impossible. Too high. Too much.

The opening lyrics to one of my favorite worship songs goes like this:
"Higher than the mountains that I face, stronger than the power of the grave, constant through the trial and the change, one thing remains..."

It wasn't until the worship team began to play this song that I realized my God is bigger. He's bigger than the BIGGEST mountain that I could ever face. His love is bigger. His strength is bigger. His wisdom is bigger. His power is bigger. It doesn't matter what I face, what my mountain looks like, how long I struggle with this mountain, how huge it seems to me, how many times it reappears, God will always be bigger, and he will never give up on me. He won't ever give up. He won't ever leave my side. My God will see me to the top of my mountain. Every time. Every mountain that I face, he will see me to the top.

The song goes on to say that "his love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me..."
That's one promise I'll hold tightly to tonight. Remembering that no mountain is too great for my God, and that his love NEVER fails me. His love NEVER leaves me. His love will see me to the top of every mountain.

We all have mountains in our lives.
But, the only way to get to the top is to take one step at a time. And trust that God is with you. Every step. He will see you to the top.

A week of gifts!

2011-02-17T19:20:00.000-08:00

This has been the week of gifts.
First, Jess and I surprised a friend with a Valentine's Day gift on his truck tire.

He publicly claimed to "hate" Valentine's Day. He had reason after reason to support his stance, but Jess and I were determined to turn him into a love-loving individual :)
The next day, a package arrives on my desk with this lovely bag in it.

If you know me, you know I'm a lover of bags. And a HUGE lover of birds. And a HUGER lover of love... so this bag with "love birds" on it made my heart the happiest ever.
I was feeling so incredibly loved and thought of. I mean, someone had taken the time to order me something that they KNEW I would adore. It couldn't get much better than that... until today. I was out and about, all morning and afternoon in meeting after meeting. I returned to the office to find a BEAUTIFUL bouquet of white flowers on my desk.

The card on it said there was no message or sender information available. So, of course, I grill Meg and Amy about who it was... either they're great liars, or they really don't know who sent them.
As much as it kills me to not know who sent me the beautiful flowers, the mystery behind it is kind of fun :)
So, whoever you are, thank you for making me feel thought of and extremely loved. You brought many, MANY smiles to my face today.
Isn't that the wonderful thing about thoughtfulness and generosity? It always seems to come back around... and usually in bigger and better portions.
Today, I'm thankful for secret admirers and thoughtful friends :)

A thankful moment

2011-02-15T22:43:00.001-08:00

I need a thankful moment.
I've been zipping through the days lately, not taking much time to appreciate the things I'm so thankful for. I found myself busy, stressed and discouraged today. I hate that. I couldn't get to the bottom of it... until just now. I realized I need a thankful moment. There's something about ignoring all of the negative, bad, annoying, discouraging, stressful, taxing things in the day and pinpointing ONE thing of thanks.
Today, I'm thankful for heartfelt Valentine's Day cards handcrafted by 7 year-olds.

Zeke made me this sweet card. I hung it right by my door. I look at it as I am rushing in and out of my room. It's importance to me goes beyond the message displayed on it. It holds great value in my eyes. I am so thankful for it. I hope that one day, Zeke knows how much I love him and his generous heart.

God > Darkness

2011-02-13T21:39:00.000-08:00

Ever have one of those days? The kind of day where you are suddenly struck with the growth and change that's taken place in your life and in your heart?
The kind of day where you look back and realize that the painful, dark, impossible, awful season you were in has finally given way to a new, joyful, beautiful one?
I had that day today.
Dan spoke at the Stirring today, and had an amazing word about traveling alone.
He framed it all around an experience he had while running during the wee hours of the morning.
Alone.
In the pitch black.
He talked about the importance of friends when running in the dark. About how friends bring clarity and courage, because in the dark you can start to believe some crazy things.
They remind you of the reality of the situation.
This won't go on forever.
You can get through this.
It's going to get better soon.
This is just a season.
Keep going.
Be strong, don't give up.
Because it's easy to forget what you know, what the truth is, in the dark. Friends remind you.

Another point Dan made was that when you're in a dark season, you need community. You need your Church family. You need people around you who can attest to God's goodness. Who can remind you that they were RIGHT THERE at one point. They were where you're at, but now they're not. God will show up, he will heal. He will restore. He will fulfill his promises. He hasn't forgotten. You need community, you need to hear the stories of people who have been there.

I especially love the picture that was painted about the rooster... how roosters bring hope that dawn is near... light is near. The darkness is coming to an end. This time WILL end. We all need roosters in our lives. People who are constantly reminding us that this painful, heart-wrenching, agonizing, dark, lonely season WILL come to an end. That light is coming. Jesus is coming. He will free us. He will heal us. He will restore the hurting.

I look back on the past year of my life, and realize it was an incredibly dark, painful, agonizing, impossible season.
I faced some hard stuff. Stuff that might take me a while to share. Stuff that lived for YEARS hidden and buried, not talked about, not thought about, untouched, forgotten. Stuff that, as it began to surface, and as I began to feel it and grieve it, God began to heal it.
I can't sit here and tell you it was a quick, pretty, relatively pain-free experience.
It was not.
It was messy, and hard, and not very fun, and agonizing at times.
There were a lot of tears.
There were days where I was just sure I couldn't go on.
I couldn't feel the way I felt for one more second.
I couldn't face the things I was facing one more time.
But I did.
And God showed up.
But, I have to be honest, I could have never done it alone.
In my darkest season, I had friends around me. Friends who I was going there with. Friends who knew where I was at, and were walking (or, RUNNING) with me.
In my darkest season, I was fully submerged in community. I was there. Every week. At Life Group. At work. At church. In community. I wanted to isolate. I wanted to run! I wanted to get the heck out, but I didn't.
In my darkest season, I had roosters all around me. So many. One in particular was a VERY loud rooster... Every Friday, I would sit on Alyssa's couch and she would remind me "You can do this. Don't give up. It won't be this bad forever. It's just a season. It's just a process. There is hope. God will restore. He will show up. He will heal. It won't be like this forever." When I left that couch, there was a confidence that hope was near. Something in my soul knew that light was coming. Even though it felt impossible. Even though I didn't want to face another day. Even though my heart was broken and my pain was overwhelming, there was hope. Morning was coming.
I look back on the past year, and realize my morning has come. The darkness has lifted. Light has filled my life. That impossible feeling is gone. There is healing. There is restoration. There is joy.
And more than ANY of that, there is a reason I went through it.
Dan's last point tonight was this: People with experience are important when you're in the dark. You need to find people who have been there before. Who have traveled that road. Who have been through some of what you've been through. Because they bring a different insight. They bring different perspective. They KNOW that road better than others.
I hope that, some day, God will use my story to help me journey with others. Other women who are experiencing the same pain and suffering that I have experienced. Women who feel like they can't go on. Like there is no hope. I know that I went through that awful, painful, miserable, dark season so that I would know the road. And be the rooster for someone else.
What I love is that, even though there was so much hardship, there is tremendous victory in my story.

God rescued
and redeemed
and set free
and healed
and saved
and restored in my story.

This verse is quickly becoming one of my favorites because it speaks of the HOPE we can have in God, and his great desire to free us from the darkness...
"Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever...The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine." Isaiah 9:1-2

The Slinky

2011-02-11T12:59:00.000-08:00

I have this Slinky.
It sits on my desk every day.
This Slinky is my friend.
When I am stressed, I like to "slink" if you will.
When I'm deep in thought, I like to "slink."
I think it's the sound of the Slinky that is what I love the most.
It's relaxing. It helps me think. It sooths me.
Others in the office don't necessarily agree with me about the effect the Slinky has.
They just don't appreciate the power of the Slinky!
Today, I'm thankful for my friend the Slinky.
Thanks for all of your help :)

The humanly impossible...

2011-02-10T20:36:00.000-08:00

Last week at our All Staff meeting, Dan presented us with a few great questions.
Questions meant to get us thinking about the year ahead of us.
Questions meant to stay with us, not easily answered, not easily forgotten.
I've been sitting with these questions since last week's meeting, and one continues to haunt me.
It brings me to tears every time.
Pinching a nerve in me that maybe isn't ready to be pinched.
Opening my eyes to a reality I'm not yet ready to face.
The question is this: What is one humanly impossible thing you're praying for God to do this year.
My answer is complicated.
Isn't it always?
There are so many humanly impossible things I want God to do this year.
To do right NOW.
But only one thing brings me to tears every time with is impossibility.
Because, you see, this is something that's been around my whole life.
Something that's become part of me. Part of my life. Part of my family.
So it seems absolutely humanly impossible for this thing to be gone.
Here's the complicated part; What if I pray and pray and pray for God to do this impossible thing, and I pray with CONFIDENCE that He WILL do it... and it doesn't happen?
That's my fear.
But I know that the Father does not give us a spirit of fear. So, I boldly approach this massive prayer with confidence every day.
Every. Single. Day.

So, I say with confidence that I believe this is the year that alcoholism will plague my family no more. This is the year that God will bring healing and restoration. This is the year for humanly impossible things to happen.

What are YOU praying for this year? I hope you approach yours with confidence...

Valentine's Day

2011-02-09T20:33:00.000-08:00

I love Valentine's Day.
Call me a hopeless romantic, or a sap but it's true; I love Valentine's Day.
I love all of the hearts everywhere
I love the cards (seriously, I spent over 20 minutes reading Valentine's Day cards and just crying a little)
I love the cute treats and balloons and decorations.
I love love. I guess that's what it comes down to.
Valentine's Day came to our office early this year.
I went out and bought the girls (Meg, Jenna and Amy) each a bundle of flowers and a cutesie little card and delivered them this morning. (Jenna, if you're reading this SURPRISE!).
The moments that followed my Valentine's Day delivery were what make me love the day so much.
Letting someone know that they're loved
And thought about
And deserving of a little extra attention
That is what makes me love this holiday so much.

So many of my single friends (and NON single friends alike) openly detest Valentine's Day. They say it's the "worst holiday ever." My question for them is, WHY?
Why is it so horrible?
Why do you hate it so much?
I would venture to say that many of them are missing the point of the day.
Sure, I've had my fair share of disappointing Valentine's Day. I've spent the majority of them alone. Shoot, I was even DUMPED on Valentine's Day one year! But that doesn't deter me.
That doesn't lessen my love for the day.
I love to love others.
I love to make others feel celebrated
And loved
And special.
That's what Valentine's Day is all about.
But here's my question: Why do we only celebrate once a year?
Why do we take only ONE day to stop ourselves from the busyness of our lives and tell the ones we love how MUCH we cherish them?
Why don't we do it EVERY day?
In November, I joined with a few other bloggers in a "Gratitude Challenge." The idea was to find one thing each day to be thankful for, because one day in November just isn't enough. So I find myself tempted with the same idea; show love to another every day, not just on the holiday designated for love. I want to be known for love. I want those around me to feel loved always. The hard reality is that you never know when you won't have the opportunity to love those in your life again. And I don't want to waste ANY time.

So, there you have it. I love Valentine's Day. It makes my heart happy to celebrate the love I have for those in my life. I'm a pretty lucky girl. I am surrounded by people who value and cherish me. I serve a God who loves me with an everlasting love. I'll be sad when this lovely day passes, but I sure won't stop loving... I will, however, stop crying in the card aisle at the store (hopefully) :)

Blogging Wall

2011-02-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

I feel like I've hit the "blogging wall."
It's not that I don't have anything to say... it's just the opposite!
I have SO much I want to share, but I'm not sure where to begin.
For now, I'll say this:
I'm thankful for God's promises to us. The promise that "...anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!" 2 Cor. 5:17
I'm thankful that I have the promise of a new life. I don't have to live from the old life any more.
That's what I'm thankful for today.
Now here's to hoping I can make some sort of sense out of everything passing through my brain, and that I can overcome this darn "blogging wall."

Family continued...

2011-02-04T14:31:00.001-08:00

Living in Family has been hard for me.
I feel like I need to start by saying that I love my parents and my sister.
Very much.
My mom and dad have been incredible parents. They really have.
But it's safe to say that childhood wasn't a dream.
The truth is, things were difficult.
And those difficulties turned a scared, insecure little girl into an even MORE scared and insecure grown-up girl.
A girl who always questioned her place in her family.
Who never knew if things were safe.
Who didn't want to "rock the boat" or draw any kind of attention to herself.
Walk on eggshells. Don't make waves.
These were the messages that carried over into my adult life.
So, this is some of my baggage that I so slyly carried with me into this NEW family I found myself part of.
A family where people said it's OK to be yourself... but the fears remained.
A family where there was health and truth and understanding... but the fears remained.
What if they find out who I REALLY am, and leave?
Rejected.
Again.
What if I bear my soul, and they walk away?
Abandoned.
Again.
Living in Family has been hard for me.
But, as the walls came down, and the secrets came out, and the soul was beared (is that a word?), the craziest thing happened: This Family stuck around.
Nobody ran for the hills.
Nobody told me I was too much, that my baggage was too great to handle.
Nobody rejected or abandoned or betrayed.
As the walls came down, and the truth came out, I was received with love and compassion.
The fear in my heart was replaced with trust.
But it had to start with the walls coming down.
Family is hard.
It's messy and scary and all over the place.
But God hasn't called us to live on our own. We have been called to live in this crazy, messy, all over the place family. And as our walls start to come down, God will replace our fear with trust. He will replace our abandoned and rejected hearts with hearts that are loved and embraced and accepted.

Living in Family has been hard for me, but God has used this family to heal those wounded parts of my heart.

Today, I'm thankful for Family and the health that comes with it!

Best. Day. Ever.

2011-02-02T22:06:00.000-08:00

Today was a big day for me.
I did something I've wanted to do for YEARS.
Something that will forever change my life.
Something that is so wonderful and beautiful that it brought a tear to my eye....
Today, ladies and gentlemen, I bought the Dyson Animal.

Upon arriving home with it, I ripped the box open, carefully put it all together, and vacuumed to my little heart's desire.
What a great day.

We also had a wonderful day of staff fun-ness at blacklight mini golf. It was a blast. I lost. BAD. But, ya know what, I really could care less. We had so many laughs. I love all-staff days. Our team is amazing. And we have fun. A lot of fun.

Dan asked some really great questions today during our "this-is-the-business-part-of-the-meeting" time. I think I'll talk more about that tomorrow.
For now, I'm going to head off to dreamland, with visions of Dyson's in my happy little head.

Life Group

2011-02-01T22:57:00.000-08:00

I love my Life Group.
Laughter, tears, snacks, birthdays, prayers, awkward transitions, highs and lows... Such a fun night. I love hearing heart's cry of the women in the Stirring community.
It's unbelievable to me how similar some of our struggles are.
Going around the group tonight, there was one resounding theme: Discouragement.
Discouragement in our relationships
Discouragement in our jobs
Discouragement in who we are
Discouragement all around.
Something really powerful happens when a group of women come together and share their hearts, revealing lies we've been believing, and then pray for one another, releasing God's truth in our lives.
God has so much freedom for us. And this group is where it will begin for some. I'm stoked to be part of it. To watch lives being transformed. To share in this amazing time.

Tonight, just like many more Tuesday nights to come, I'm thankful for my Life Group.
And for Life Group Birthdays :) Because Shelby bakes treats, and they're ALWAYS good!

Baggage

2011-02-01T11:46:00.000-08:00

Yep.
We've all got it.
Baggage.
It's there in all of our lives.
For some it comes in the for of
divorce or
sexual assault or
addiction or
rejection or
abandonment or
family or
abuse...
The list could go on and on. Every one of us, in our own way, has some form of baggage.
Trust me, I have my fair share.

Here's the wonderful, beautiful, AMAZING part though: We are not alone.
We are not alone with it! We are not alone in the feeling of despair we may have, or the overwhelming insecurities that plague us. The great thing about everybody having baggage is that we can understand, to an extent, what others are going through.
My story might not relate EXACTLY to yours, but chances are, I can relate with the pain, with the hurt, with the sadness, with the frustration, with the loneliness, with the wounds.
And I can also remind you of the JOY that waits for you on the other side.
You see, baggage doesn't have to be a bad thing.
It shapes us.
It makes us who we are.
It gives us the stories we have.
Without my baggage, I wouldn't have the triumphant, resilient, glorious story I do.
Sure it's hard, and messy, and it evokes some emotion.
But I'm okay with that.
My baggage, and God's perfect grace, are to thank for who I am and where I'm at today.

We are Family....

2011-01-31T21:25:00.000-08:00

Today I:
-Ran
-Read
-Shopped
-Cried
-Cleaned
-Rearranged
-Ate
-Laughed
-Baked

And a few other things too.

It was a great day.

I spent a good portion of my day at Starbucks reading, journaling, praying, reflecting... Jim Botts brought a great word yesterday at the Stirring. All about Family. The main idea was that, when God becomes your Father, God's family becomes your family. He talked about how we need to embrace family and community in it's fullness and realness... AKA it's messiness! But the truth of it is, we need each other. We need the health of our family when we are in need of healing. When we are damaged and hurting, we need the health of our family to guide us and keep us alive. The same goes for other members of the family. When others are lost and hurting, they need us to come along side them and help them! We can't do this alone!

I was reminded last night of the amazing family I have at the Stirring.
The men and women who have come along side me over the past few years, ESPECIALLY over the past several months have changed me forever.
The importance of family is evident in my life.
I would NOT be where I am today if I went at it alone.
This is one of the hardest topics for me. Family. For a lot of reasons, but I'll save that for another day.

Family is what got me through.
Family and God :)
I'm in. 100%. Sold out. This is my family.

Today, I am thankful for family.
And sunshine.

Love

2011-01-30T17:15:00.000-08:00

I am a sucker for love.
Every love story
Every love song
Every love poem
Every love movie
Everything that is love,
I'm in tears, every time.
Maybe it's because love is hard for me.
Or, should I say, love WAS hard for me.
To be loved, to love in return, to show love, to accept love, to feel love, to KNOW love, to BE love. It was impossible.
Months ago, if I had to describe my biggest insecurity, hurt, wound in ONE word, it would have been "unlovable."
I simply was unlovable.
It was something that ran extremely deep in my life.
Something that was reinforced time and time and time and time again.
For years, I felt that everywhere I turned, every relationship I was in, ever mirror I faced, all I could hear and see was that I was unlovable.
Simply, utterly, completely unlovable.
Until the Father got a hold of my heart.
He showed me what it means to truly be loved, and to truly love in return, and to truly accept love.
As I've said in previous blogs, God began to reveal to me just how much He loved me.
And it changed everything.
So now, when I hear a love song or see a love story, the tears are not the same tears of pain and
sorrow and
hurt and
longing and
betrayal.
But instead, they are tears of understanding.
I now understand what it feels like to be SO loved, that songs and stories would be written about your love.
God has changed that.
And He has forever wrecked me for love.
I am a sucker for love.

Today is Saturday

2011-01-29T18:53:00.001-08:00

I got to spend the day with a room of leaders today learning about leading.
It was simply wonderful.
I loved every minute of it.
Dave Kraft lead the conference. He's a pastor at Mars Hill church in Seattle and the author of this book.
Dan has some great stuff to say about today. Check it out!
As I sat there, learning a TON of valuable and helpful information, I realized a few things...
-First and most importantly, I am led by incredible leaders. They have taught me so much about how to grow. How to lead. How to hear God's voice. I consider myself extremely lucky to be serving side by side with them.
-There's always, ALWAYS more to learn. Just because things are going "smoothly" doesn't mean a thing. Things should be ever-changing. I should NEVER be satisfied with the "status quo." Ever.
-I don't ask enough questions. I feel like one of the best ways to know if you're learning is if you're asking questions. I don't ask NEARLY enough questions.
-I love learning and growing and being challenged and stretched.

It was so great having some of my amazing Stirring Kids team there. I can't wait to pick their brains about what they took away from the conference.
What a great day.
I need to go process some of the info from today... so much stuff!!

One of my FAVORITE questions that Dave asked today was "Who are you and what are you doing here?"

I hope this questions constantly comes back to me.
WHO am I? What's the cry of my heart? What is my life screaming?
And WHAT am I doing here? What am I doing with the passions in my heart? With the dreams I have? With the strengths and gifts God has given me?

SO, who are YOU? And what are YOU doing here??

Today I am thankful for tough questions, and amazing leaders.

Snagged the picture from here. So great!

Today is Friday

2011-01-28T23:13:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day.
I got to stand before a group of women tonight and bear a little bit of my soul.
It was not easy.
I fought with God for about 2 hours last night about it.
The things he was calling me to share... I just wasn't ready.
It felt too hard
too soon
too much
too uncomfortable
too heavy...
I just wasn't going to do it.
Something else. ANYTHING else. I'll talk about whatever ELSE you want.
Just
Not
This
Two hours of this. Back and forth. But one thing was certain: God wanted me to share.
So I did.
I stepped out in faith that God would show up, and use my words, use my story, use my pain to work in someone else's life.

Sometimes it's hard, though, when you step out and never really know the result.
I'm not sure if my story helped another in their journey.
I guess this is the part where I trust God. More.
It's easy to trust God with our story and our past hurts and wounds when we are the only one who knows about it.
It isn't until you bear a little piece of your soul in front of 80 women that you REALLY have to trust God.

I read this tonight, and I love it-
"Nevertheless, that time of darkness and despair will not go on forever... The people who walk in darkness will see a great light. For those who live in a land of deep darkness, a light will shine."

Tonight, I'm thankful for God's great light in my life. I'm thankful that this promise, the promise of darkness being forever vanished in the presence of light, in my life.

Day 6... I think?

2011-01-27T21:57:00.001-08:00

I started the day off with a list of 10 things I love about today.
It was a good list.
I think I'll end the day with a list of 10 things I'm thankful for today.

1. Wise friends who make delicious BLTs.
2. The smell of a new baby.
3. Discovering a new band and falling in LOVE with their music.
4. Randomly finding $100 in a desk drawer.
5. "Together alone time" as Shelby would call it.
6. Moments of reflection.
7. Valentine's Day decorations.
8. Random conversations with the stranger and her little daughter in front of me at Trader Joes.
9. Making it to the gas station WITHOUT running out of gas :)
10. Love stories (I'm a huge sucker for a good love story).

10 things I LOVE about today

2011-01-27T11:10:00.000-08:00

I woke up discouraged this morning.
For no particular reason, just discouraged. A bit sad. A little overwhelmed. Maybe a hint of loneliness in there too.
As I was getting ready for the day, I had this moment with God. I was thinking to myself "I'm discouraged. Today's going to be awful." Then God, in all of his loveliness, spoke to me, "Emily, you're discouraged, but I'm still here. Ask me for encouragement. Ask me for joy. As me for peace. Ask me for my presence today. I WILL say yes! Today will only be awful if you let it be awful."
Boom.
Just like that, perspective.

"...Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable." Philippians 4:8

SO, I've decided to make a list of 10 things I love about today. I hope you enjoy them, and maybe you'll make your own list.

1. I love that my Dutch Bros. peeps know my drink. Even if I'm not ordering. And notice that I dyed my hair. They're so presh.
2. I love that my cat thinks his GIANT body can fit in tiny spaces. So funny.
3. I love that my alarm clock is a Weezer song.
4. I love that I got to use my BRAND NEW vanity today.
5. I love that I woke up without any allergies.
6. I love that the sun is shining SO beautiful and bright outside.
7. I love that I found a dollar in my jeans.
8. I love that Jenna is in the office with me today.
9. I love that I get to have lunch with Julie Read.
10. I love that my heart is content.

I will fix my thoughts on these lovely, wonderful things. I will fix my eyes upon the truth my Father reminds me of. He WILL say yes.

Day 5

2011-01-25T22:52:00.000-08:00

Today, I'm overwhelmingly thankful for my Life Group. Only the second week, and already God is moving. I thought to myself tonight, THIS is what community is all about! Opening up your home, eating dinner together, praying together, laughing together, crying together, sharing struggles and pains and wounds, but also sharing joy and encouragement.
My favorite part of the group is the way we begin: We share our "highs and lows." We go around the room and everyone shares their high for the week and their low. It's beautiful to hear the hearts of these amazing women, as they share their low with their eyes brimming with tears. And in the same breath, we get to celebrate their most joyful moment of the week.
This really is what it's all about. Living life together. Reminding each other of the CONFIDENT HOPE we have in our Savior.
Tonight, I was reminded why we sometimes go through the crap we do: it's so that we can be a glimmer of hope to another woman who's heart is hurting and lonely and wounded and broken and who feels like she can't possibly go on one more day.
I've gone through the incredibly hard and horrible things I have so that I can be a face of someone who lived through it. A reminder that this is only a season. We can trust in our Father to redeem those broken places.
My heart is full of hope tonight. Hope for the women in my Life Group. Hope for my own life and story as God continues to shape it. And my confident hope in Jesus.

Today is Monday...

2011-01-24T13:59:00.001-08:00

Today was a day full of many firsts.
Okay, maybe not MANY firsts, but a couple!
I got my first bloody nose (kinda nasty, and not such a stellar thing) but I also did my first cartwheel! I spent the entire afternoon doing cartwheels in my living room. I'm pretty sure I pulled a muscle in my booty, but it was well worth it! What an exciting day :)

Confession: I often have the urge to eat Play-Doh. I recently had a big ole bag of homemade Play-Doh dropped off at the office by an amazing Stirring Mom, and it took EVERYTHING in me to not take a big, huge, giant bite out of it! Weird. I know.

Day 4

2011-01-23T22:14:00.000-08:00

I've said it before and I'll say it again; I love Sundays.
Sure, it's a long day.
Sure, there's a lot that goes into it from start to finish.
Sure, there are bumps along the way.
Sure, I need a quad-shot americano to help me function.
But every Sunday, I'm reminded of why I do what I do.
I get to see kids come alive.
I get to watch them learn about their place in this family.
I get to experience God revealing Himself to these little ones.
I get to encourage other leaders of the calling on their lives.
Yeah, it would be nice to sleep in.
Yeah, I'd love to have another day to check things off of my "to-do" list.
But I couldn't imagine my week without the moments I have on Sundays.
Like the mom who told me this morning that her two daughters were up at 5 AM pulling her out of bed, asking if it was time to go to church. Five. Oclock. In. The. Morning.
That's really early.
Or like the mom who told me that her 3 year old told her, while walking the beaches of Costa Rica, that she wished they could go to the Stirring in Costa Rica. They are strolling along amazingly beautiful, sandy beaches, and she's thinking about the Stirring Kids. Amazing.
Or the dad who told me that his son NEVER goes ANYWHERE without a kicking-and-screaming-and-clinging-to-his-shirt match. Except the Stirring. The look of pure joy and victory on this dad's face was enough to make me cry. (Doesn't take much, but STILL!)
Or the mom who asked me how to start a conversation with her daughter about Baptism, because the mom can see how much God is working in her daughter's life. This all coming from a mom who just met Jesus herself. And already, she can recognize the transformation in her daughter. Wow.
Or the little boy who gazed up at me with big, brown eyes and declared "Jesus lives in my heart. Forever. Did you know that? I can't wait to tell my daddy! He doesn't know Jesus yet, but he will. Because I pray for him, and so did my teacher this morning!"
Or walking with a leader who has more favor and anointing on her life than she knows, and who just pours her passion for Jesus out during the 2 hours with her class.
Or the OTHER teacher who is changing the lives of the hard-to-reach students in her class by talking to them like they MATTER, and by showing them the love and compassion of Christ.

THESE are the moments that remind me that ever early wake up, every sacrifice, every frustrating moment, every ounce of stress, every single moment of work is worth it all. Just to hear and see these stories. Just to help shape a generation to have confidence in their relationship with Jesus, and to show them the love God has for them. Just to call out the potential in a young leader who I believe has a calling on her life to change the lives of kids around the world. It's all worth it. Just to see lives changed.

My biggest prayer is for my passion to bring God fame. He's the one who has placed this passion in me. This is merely his love and desire and passion for his children living in my heart. May God get all the glory.

Today, my heart is full.
Today, my passion burns.
Today, I am thankful.

Here's a great shot of two of the littlest Stirring Kids.

Day 3

2011-01-22T22:43:00.000-08:00

I did it! I made it to 7,000 views. This is a big day for me. Wow, I didn't even have a speech prepared or anything. Such a rookie mistake.

I've got a lot to be thankful for today, however I don't have much time to share it... I'm currently 42 minutes overdue for a date with my pillow. Yep, 10:00 sharp on Saturday nights. That 5:00 am alarm clock is pretty brutal.

Today, I'm thankful for:
-The creative imagination of children
-The way Mo twirls his hair. I hope he does that for life. I know, it might be a bit weird when he's a teenager and is still twirling his hair, but right now, as a 2 year-old, it's pretty darn cute!
-Unexpected weeks of sunshine and lovely weather in the middle of January. I mean, seriously you can't beat Redding's weather for the past week or so!
-The way Mt. Shasta looked today. Breathtaking.
-The way I feel after completing my last set of push-ups after a good jog. Especially a jog that leaves my legs burning a little.
-Being able to sleep with my window open again.

I sure hope Saturday was good to y'all.
I'm now going to bed.
Shalom.

Confessions:

2011-01-22T09:55:00.000-08:00

I love making my bed.
I bite my nails.
I rearrange my room on a monthly basis.
When I sneeze, I usually sneeze an even number of times, and always over 4 times.

I don't know how to do a cartwheel.
Is it too late at 26 years old and 6 foot even to learn?
Who wants to teach me?
They have instructions here, but I just don't think that would do the trick...

Day 3

2011-01-21T23:17:00.000-08:00

I'm only a few views away from 7,000. So fun! I know, I know, to some that may seem like a VERY LOW number of views, but for little ole me it is a big deal!

Anyway, I was so excited about my Gratitude post today. Throughout the day, I've been scribbling down a few things here and there that I'm thankful for.
My list was pretty long.
I was so excited to share it with all of you.
Funny thing about it is.... I left it at work.
Bummer.
But here's what I remember:
-Paperclips
-Pilot 27G pens (or is it G27...?)
-Sharpies (especially brightly colored ones!)
-Colored copy paper (my favorite part of the week is when I get to pick the two colors that the Stirring Kids sign-in sheets are printed on. Oooooh boy, I look forward to it every week!)
-Avocados
-Sticky notes (second time I've listed them... they deserve a spot on EVERY day's list!!!)
-New lotion and body wash (I have an entire drawer dedicated solely to my Bath & Body Works lotion and body wash... sad but true).
-My many quirks (I shared one earlier... more to come. Don't you worry!)

I have no idea where this love for office supplies came from, but ask my mom. She'll tell you I've always loved it. When I was good (which was VERY often) I'm pretty sure she'd reward me by taking me to the local Staples (Arcata doesn't have an Office Depot, okay?!) and let me pick something out. I'd usually go with a new pen, or a pack of sticky notes. Sometimes I'd get a new folder or a Sharpie to add to my collection. What 7 year-old has a Sharpie collection? Most 7 year-old girls collect Polly Pockets! Not me. I stuck with the office supplies. So great.
Clearly, these guys share my passion for Sharpies. Love the picture!

Just a lil somethin'

2011-01-21T13:46:00.000-08:00

Fun fact:
I love grammar.
It's a secret passion of mine.
I notice it when people talk to me, or in e-mails or Facebook messages.
I like to secretly edit their e-mails. I find misused words in lots of stuff. It's quite fun.
Now, don't hear me wrong. I don't secretly judge people for misusing words or for putting punctuation in the wrong spot. It's all quite confusing. Trust me, I get it. But I do enjoy it when I find a little misused word... it's like a little treasure to me.

Just one of my many quirks.

What's a fun fact about you??

Day 2

2011-01-20T22:05:00.000-08:00

I've decided to blog for thanks again. 30 days to be exact. I'll be posting one blog each day with one, or more, things that I'm thankful for.
Today, I'm thankful for:
-Coffee. This whole cleanse thing is really killer. No coffee. Cold turkey. I'm dying.
-Warm blankets. When winter hits, I pile up the blankets on my bed. The thicker, the better!!
-Baby carrots. I know, random thing to be thankful for, but think about it; baby carrots are the easiest, healthiest little snack EVER.
-Music. I love music. All kids of music. I love hearing a new song for the first time and listening to the way the beautiful melodies weave in and out of the lyrics. If you know me, you know I'm usually always dancing, humming, singing, whistling, snapping... Music kind of LIVES in me. Today, I'm really thankful for music. Hmmm, I think I'd like to come back to this topic when I'm NOT on the verge of falling asleep.
-Sun roofs. Enough said.
-My running buddies. (quick, how many times have I been thankful for them?? Probably over 17... and that's only counting the times I've blogged about it!!). They're the best. And my waist line thanks you as well ladies!
-Pint-sized office visitors. I had one two yesterday, and two more today. They make my day. What can I say, I love children.

That's all for now. I hope y'all had a fantastic Thursday.

Let the cleansing begin...

2011-01-20T07:18:00.000-08:00

After hearing Alyssa's plan to do a 4 day cleanse, I've decided I just might give it a go! I don't have a juicer (bummer) so it looks like I'll just be eating my weight in raw fruits and vegetables. Country Organics has a few different "box" options, so I'm headed over there as soon as their doors open to purchase their "large basic box" which consists of a mixture of fresh and organic fruits and veggies. I'm pretty stoked. I'll keep you posted.

My goal: A 3 day cleanse.

If I can make it 3 days, and I'm feeling good I might shoot for 4 days.
Wish me luck!

My New Challenge.

2011-01-19T19:26:00.001-08:00

It's not Thursday, but I'm feeling the need to post a few things I'm thankful for. I've found that since November and my Gratitude Challenge, only posting once a week on the things I'm thankful for has left me feeling a little empty. I miss the daily goal of finding one, or more thing that I'm truly thankful for. It was a discipline that I'd begun to really love. Having that posture, the posture of thankfulness, began to do something in me. It began to really change me. It changed the way I viewed my day. The way I viewed my conversations, the way I viewed my morning cup of coffee. It really began to shift my focus. And suddenly, I see my focus switching back. SO, I think I'm going to start another challenge. I'm calling it the Gratitude Challenge II. I'm going to blog another 30 days of thanks. And, to go along with my thanks, I'm going to blog one thing I learned. Every day. For 30 days. Who's with me? Maybe you need to do a 30 days of organizing challenge, or a 30 days of silence (from some kind of noise in your life) challenge, or a 30 days of creativity challenge instead.
Me?
I need to do this Gratitude Challenge. It's where I need my focus to be. It's the lens I need to view my days through.

Today, on day 1 of my challenge, I am thankful for new hair-dos. I got my hair cut and colored today. There's just something about a cut and color that changes a girl's life. I always walk out of the salon thinking "MAN, I feel good!" I may have walked in with a bad attitude and a poor perspective on my day, but I sure left on top of the world, and looking good to boot! Here's a shot of my new do...

And, the one thing that I learned today is that tomatoes are a fruit. I think I already knew that. But I guess I RE-learned it. Wonderful!

A new season

2011-01-18T21:18:00.001-08:00

I love the first night of Life Group.
Who's going to show up?
What will they say?
How many awkward silences will there be?
How many people will I know?
How many NEW people will be there?
Who will do most of the talking?
How badly will I embarrass myself?

Tonight was the first night of Life Group.
Shelby (my roommate) and I are leading a Women's group this Spring.
In one word, tonight was perfect.
What an amazing mix of women!
Some married, some single, some with kids, some without, some newly married, some divorced. It's perfect. I can't wait to see what God does with this season and this amazingly unique group of women. The overwhelming cry coming from the women in this group is that we ALL want to be united and connected with other women in our community. My hope for this group is that strong bonds are formed, friendship begin, and God works in powerful ways through those relationships.
I'm excited.
Excited for a new season
Excited for what God is going to do in and through this Life Group
Excited for the stories that will come out of this group
Excited for the possibility of lives changed through this group
I'm just plain excited.

A new book for the new year?

2011-01-17T16:06:00.000-08:00

I love reading.
I read blogs
I read magazines
I read the news paper
But my first love is books
Over the Christmas vacation, I found out that when I was in second grade, my reading test scores put me in the "Not A Native English Language Speaker" category. Seriously, that's a category, and I was in it. No joke. My mother, a long time teacher, told me of her panic at the results. How could I, the daughter of two educated parents (one of which a teacher herself) score so low in her reading tests? The funniest part to me is that I don't even remember any of it. I don't remember struggling with reading and spelling. I don't remember being in the EXTREMELY low reading groups. I don't remember any of it. All I know is that I now LOVE to read and LOVE to write. Funny, isn't it?
Anyway, I've got a LONG list of books I'd like to read this year. It's much easier to read for "pleasure" when you're not in school :) But even being done with college (for now), I find that I get overwhelmed with my desire to knock out these "Must Reads" in a timely manner. So, instead of listing the books I so badly want to read, I'll let you all know of the ones I'm currently reading.
I'm about half way through with Captivating. I've read the first few chapters of this book more times than I care to admit... but I've never ACTUALLY finished it. That's the goal this time around.
I've also just started reading Secret Message of Jesus. This one, I'm really excited about. I plan on sharing my favorite parts of this book in later posts.
And my "just for fun" read, you ask? None other than a Nicholas Sparks fave- The Choice.

What are you currently reading? Or what are some of the books on your "2011 Must Read" list? I'm dying to know what everybody else can't wait to read this year!

Here are just a few of my hopeful reads this year:

Thankful Thursdays... on Sunday... my bad.

2011-01-16T15:49:00.001-08:00

I forgot to post for Thankful Thursdays.
Shoot!
So, a day (or 3) late and a dollar short, I now will post my Thankful Thursdays blog on Sunday.

I am thankful for:
The way children give out hugs so freely
Friday Night Lights
"Just Dance" dance-offs
Leggings
Meeting a new family, and watching their kid LOVE the Stirring Kids
Quad-shot Americanos
My cat and the way he falls asleep on just about anything and everything
Fire pit nights with great friends
S'mores

I'm pretty sure it all comes down to the fact that I live a charmed and blessed life. There's so much to be thankful for in every moment of life. What are YOU thankful for today?

The story of the bracelet

2011-01-14T13:16:00.000-08:00

I had this bracelet.
It was more than a bracelet.
It changed me.
It reminded me.
It helped me.
I wrote about my bracelet in another blog.
A woman gave it to me.
A woman I hardly know.
She changed me forever.
The Lord used this bracelet to speak to me
In a powerful way.
Every time I looked at the bracelet, or twirled it, or nervously took it off and slipped it back on, or ran my fingers over the delicately etched word "Loved" there in the middle, God spoke to me.
"You, my daughter, are loved."
That's all.
Over and over, God spoke those words to me.
Over and over and over again.

Now, you see, when this woman so boldly handed me this bracelet 7 months ago, she told me "You'll know when you're ready to pass it on. You're not meant to keep it. Someone gave it to me, and I knew the day would come when I was to give it away. You'll know. God will tell you."

There were days when I thought I'd NEVER be ready to give the bracelet away.
How could I?
I was still learning the words God was speaking through it.
YOU ARE LOVED.
I didn't quite believe them yet.
Sure, there were MOMENTS when I believed them. But they weren't my identity. Not yet. Maybe one day, but not yet.

So, on Wednesday, when I was hanging at Starbucks, listening to my music, reading my new Bible, journaling, and just hanging with God, He spoke to me. And I knew I was ready. He told me it was time. Those words had finally become my identity. I no longer questioned their truth, or their limits.
I am loved.
By my family
By my God
By my friends
By children
By adults
By strangers

I am loved

There's nothing that can change that. Ever. It's more than WHAT I am. It's become WHO I am. It's no longer a verb to me. It's a noun :)

So, back to Wednesday. God spoke. I listened. He told me who to give it to.
I figured it would be a stranger. Someone who I hardly knew. Since that's who gave this precious gift to me.
Nope.
God told me to give it to a dear friend. Someone I see almost everyday.
Someone who needed to be reminded
Everyday
Of her value
Of her WORTH
Of the great calling on HER life to know she is LOVED. (noun, NOT verb.)

Presented to me by a stranger. Passed along to a wonderful woman who I call a great friend. I'm excited to see how God uses this bracelet to change her life like He changed mine. I'm excited to see if it stays with her for a year, a week, 4 years... and where the bracelet goes next. I realize that God can use ANYTHING to change lives, but right now He's choosing to use a beautiful, simple, silver, delicate, bracelet with the word "Loved" perfectly carved in it.

My Life Is...

2011-01-11T23:37:00.001-08:00

Beautiful
Wonderful
Full of joy
Full of love
Hard to handle
Exciting
Healthy
Peaceful
Always an adventure
Ever-changing
A testimony to God's faithfulness
Full of FUN
Better than ever
Full of laughter
Challenging
Dynamite

This past Sunday marked the 4 year anniversary for the Stirring. What a remarkable day. During worship, a video came on that was a montage of the past year. All of the most intimate moments captured on tape. Footage of lives changed. It had me in tears within seconds. There's something so powerful about a changed life. You can't help but celebrate. I always seem to celebrate with tears. No big deal. But it got me thinking... My life is full- full of love. Full of joy. Full of laughter. Full of incredible people. Full of opportunities. Full of God's goodness. Full of gratitude. Full of PASSION. Full of happiness. Full of celebration. Full of encouragement. Full of forgiveness. I can't remember a time in my life where I felt this alive. This content. This thankful. I can't wait to see where God will take the Stirring in this next year, and I am excited to say I'm along for the ride. God has placed some hard stuff on my path over this past year, but I've come out victorious. With freedom and peace. I'm so thankful for the hard seasons, because without them the great seasons, THIS season I'm in now, wouldn't hold the same amount of excitement, the same amount of joy and celebration as it does. Without the pain, there is no growth.

My life is EXACTLY where God wants it. What a beautiful thing.

P.S. The Stirring staff made an AMAZING music video. If you haven't seen it, OR just need to watch it one more time, check it out HERE.

Thankful Thursdays

2011-01-06T15:39:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine (the same friend who inspired me to take on the Gratitude Challenge) had a GREAT idea: Every Thursday, she posts a "Thankful" blog, listing the many things she's thankful for throughout her week. I've decided to, once again, follow in her footsteps and take on this mini-challenge.
Today is my very first Thankful Thursday.
How exciting!
Today I am thankful for:
-The lovely ladies who I share an office with. They make me laugh, constantly. We share in a love for sassy sticky notes and sarcasm and coffee and Jesus :)
-Encouragement from unlikely sources
-The stranger who bought my coffee the other morning. So kind!
-My running buddies. We get our booties out on the trail EVERY Tuesday and Thursday morning at 6:00 am. Before the sun is even up. And run and talk and laugh and FREEZE together. My health and my skinny jeans thank you ladies.
-New Year resolutions.

Until next Thankful Thursday....

Back to Blogging

2011-01-02T14:12:00.001-08:00

I've been making a MILLION excuses as to why I haven't been blogging.
I'm busy
I'm out of town
I'm tired
There's too much to catch up on
There's too much to SAY
I'm out of town (again)
My computer's dead
And the list goes on.
Well, I decided to jump back on the wagon again, after almost a week of silence. Here it goes:
We (my roomies and the Flecks) went to San Francisco for New Years Eve. In a word, it was INCREDIBLE. I had the best time ever. An amazing city paired with a killer group of people makes for one unforgettable time. I woke up Saturday morning with sore feet (5 hours of dancing in 3 inch heels) and hit the road for Chico to celebrate two of my favorite people in the world. Josh and Chelsea are officially married, and I cried the entire time. There's something so beautiful about a wedding, especially when you know the couple well, and have shared in the crazy adventure with them. Chelsea has been serving with the Stirring Kids for well over 2 years now, and I can't imagine Sundays without her. I'm beyond excited to see what God does in their marriage! After dancing my booty off for the second night in a row, I hit the road AGAIN to head home. It was a rainy and miserable drive, but I made it. My bags had hardly touched the ground, and I was in bed fast asleep. Only to rise BRIGHT and early this morning for church. Sundays really are my favorite day of the week. I get to see and interact with so many wonderful families, and serve with such a passionate team. Not to mention getting to see all of the beautiful children. (Let's face it, the kids are my favorite part!!) I walk around on Sundays praying for all of the kids, and find myself moved to tears with the love and passion God has for these little ones. I can't explain it any other way except that, on Sundays when I see all of the kids coming and learning and growing, I actually feel like my heart is full. Full of love and passion and dreams and joy and happiness and excitement. It's an unreal feeling.

So, with a new year ahead of me, I've got a few resolutions to announce: 1. I want to train for and run another half marathon. After the one I ran in 2010, I never thought I'd say those words. But it is time. I'm ready for another fierce adventure. For more blisters and sore muscles and cold, rainy jogs. Now all I need is a partner to train with me, seeing as MINE is in Jordan...!
2. I want to travel out of the country... or even just across the US. Until recently, traveling was never something that sounded interesting to me. But suddenly, I'm struck with how little of this beautiful world I've seen, and I'm ready to fix that problem! Any suggestions on where I should head first?

2011 is bound to be the best year yet. I can feel it in my 26 year old bones that this year has great things in store for me. Cheers, to a new year!!

Giving Thanks

2010-12-27T12:34:00.000-08:00

Christmas decorations are officially coming down today. I honestly can't believe how quickly the time went. Christmas was a whirl-wind of traveling, celebrating, best friends, family, laughing... it was simply perfect. Probably the best Christmas I've ever had. My hear is full of thanks when I look back and realize just how beautiful my Christmas was. I'm thankful for a family (both biological and "adopted") who loves me without limits. I'm thankful for God's ever-present hand in my life. I'm thankful for the way my heart felt full for the first time in years. I'm thankful for the diversity that is my life. I'm thankful for what's next. Ringing in the New Year is something I absolutely love. Not only is it a time to look forward to the new possibilities and potential ahead of me, but it is also a time to stop. To look back. To reflect. To give thanks. To CELEBRATE the trials I've come through in the past year. To acknowledge that it was a hard year, but I survived it. Not only did I survive it, but I lived through it. I kept taking steps. Even if they were itty, bitty, tiny baby steps, they were steps that I continued to take. It would have been so easy to hide it, to bury it, to deny the reality of the things I needed to face and to push it back under the rug. And walk away. But instead, I faced it head on. It was hard. There was nothing easy about it, but I'm thankful to look back and see the progress. See the growth. See the joy. See that God doesn't give up on his children. See that he will always redeems his promises. I love what Paul says in Philippians 1 ...."And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." This is a verse that, in this past year, I took with me. I would post it on my mirror, in my bathroom, on my desk, in my car. I'd take it with me. In my pocket. A constant reminder that God's work is NOT done, and he will continue his good work in me.
So today, I am excited. I am thankful. I am full of hope. A new year is just around the corner. I couldn't be happier. Not happy in a "I'm-so-stinking-glad-this-darn-year-is-over" kind of way, but in a "Look-at-what-God's-done-in-a-year" kind of way.
I can't wait to share some of my goals for 2011... but that's another Blog.

Here's a picture of me celebrating my 26th birthday. I'm 26. That's wild.

Living from the present

2010-12-23T22:09:00.000-08:00

My days have a certain familiarity to them.
Tuesdays and Thursdays I wake up before the sun, hit the trails (usually 2-4 miles)
Home by 7
Shower
Eat breakfast
Head to "my spot" (AKA Eureka Way Starbucks) for an hour or so of journaling and reading.
Then head to work!
After that, the routine just consists of work-type stuff... meetings, e-mails, copies, phone calls, more meetings... you get the gist.

The rest of the week is pretty similar... there are things that I do every week at the same time in the same order. I like order. I like structure. I like routine.

That's why trips home are hard for me.
Not sleeping in my own bed, not sticking to my schedule, no structure, no routine, no familiarity. It can make me turn into a bit of a grouch.
SO, today among the chaos that ensues during this season, I found some familiarity. I hit the trail bright and early (letting myself sleep in a whole half an hour!!) then headed to Starbucks... it felt good. It felt familiar. I needed that.

You see, home doesn't really feel so much like home anymore. I was born and raised in Arcata, CA. I went to elementary through high school with the same people. When I moved away, I began to form new friendships, new families, a new "home". So, when I come back, the old memories rush back to me. The places of my youth almost seem to haunt me. I drive by places and remember the time spent there, the times associated with the places, the pain associated with those times. You can see how it would become a bit overwhelming.
But this year, this trip home, I vowed it would be different. I vowed to take the work God's been doing in me and let it stand as a new foundation in my life. I wouldn't be knocked down this time. I would bring my new routines and my new, healthy life along with me and let it meet the "ghost of Christmas' past" if you will.
And today, that's exactly what I did.
I'm no longer that scared little girl.
I'm no longer that wounded high schooler.
I'm no longer that confused 18 year-old.
My life is a new life. And that's where I'm living from today. Not from the past that always tries to haunt me, but from the present, and from the place that God has brought me.
What a beautiful day it was.